Escape the Darkness
by Dean's Little Secret
Summary: Sequel to Lost in Darkness: in the dead of the night Dean found Sam locked away in a basement broken and beaten by the hands of Cole Collins. Four months later and things are getting better, but Dean is having strange feelings towards Sam
1. Prologue

_**Written by Dean's Little Secret and co-written by perfectharmony22**_

**Warning: Rape, torture, wincest and mpreg**

**Escape the Darkness**

**Prologue**

It takes a while to be able to breath, to be able to see past the darkness and see the light. But when you do, when you finally grasp it, everything falls back into place and you can start to move forwards. Life is getting better and each day you can breathe a little easier. You can sleep without being taunted, _haunted_, by the memories of your darkest days. You've swum all the way back and your head is above the water and you take in the salty air and everything is clear to you. The light has chased away the darkness and you can see, see it all so clear, only it's too clear. You found yourself in a nightmare only to be woken up by the one person you love the most, the one person you love too much. You can't bear to be without him, you can't _breathe_ without him. He is your life support and he is the only thing keeping you afloat.

He is the only thing keeping you whole.

He keeps you safe. He is always there, no matter what. He wakes you from your dreams and you find yourself in his arms, in the embrace you can't live without. He sleeps beside you and though you have succumbed to the darkness you know he is still awake, caressing your hair and protecting you. He whispers soft words into your ear and they make no sense but they calm you down. You can relax and he chases away the demons of your past. You snuggle closer to him and you know this can't go on forever but you never want him to leave you. To let go. You need to feel him, you need to hear him. You need him.

You need him too much.

When the sun rises bright into the sky you wish it would disappear just so you never have to leave his arms. It's safe where you lay, your head over his heart and his fingers in your hair. You love the feel of his warm skin beneath yours; you love the sound of his heart beating softly. You open your eyes just so you can take a quick peek at him then pretend to still be asleep. But he catches you and he presses a soft kiss to your forehead subconsciously. You stare into his green eyes and you realise you love him too much; you love him the wrong way.

You feel the heat on your face and you look away and you lie to him. _To yourself_. You hear him ask what's wrong and you say nothing when everything is wrong. He is your brother and you're not meant to be falling in love with him. He is the one who pulled you from a fire and saved you twice from Cole, the monster that haunts you. He is the one person who makes everything better, makes everything ok, and you ask yourself, how can I not love him? When he gives you the world, he gives you his all and you love him for it. Only you're not mean to be _in love_ with him, its wrong and you know it but you can't deny it.

You can only hide it.

The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and you can't keep fighting it. You're not ready though. It's only been four months since he found you beaten and broken at the mercy of Cole. It hasn't been long enough to move past such an event and it took too long and your not going to destroy it all on a silly feeling. You tried to tell yourself that what you feel is just something to do with the aftermath of being tortured, _of being raped_. But no matter what you come up with, you know, _you know_ with ever bone in your body that you love him. Love him the wrong way.

You have no idea what to do and you're so confused and so scared. You tell yourself that you're going to tell him but you don't because you are so afraid he'll leave. You can see him look at you, hatred and disgust in his eyes, his hands balled into fists and his lips in a snarl. He'd hate you and you know it, he'd wished he'd let Cole finish you off. He'd be ashamed and he'd turn his back and he'd walk away and the darkness would come back and this time, _this time_ it would pull you so far under that there would be no way up.

And there you'll stay… lost in the darkness.

Lonely, forgotten, loathed.


	2. Chapter 1 Love you the Wrong way

**Chapter one: Love you the Wrong way**

The highway stretches on and on and the music is beating softly in the background and it's one of your favourite songs but you barely hear it. It's on softly, just background music and your focus is on the soft breathing that is coming from the seat next to you. You turn your head and you can't help but smile at the sight of your sleeping brother. He looks so innocent and so untroubled. You swallow the dry lump in your throat and you mentally kick yourself because what your feeling is wrong. He is your little brother, _your baby brother,_ and you look after him and you love him but don't fall in love with him. It's the worst thing you could do; it even out does the time you stole the Impala for a joy ride. It makes you feel sick but at the same time so ridiculously happy.

The thoughts in your head are wrong and you hate yourself for thinking them but you can't stop. You go to sleep and you dream, you dream of being inside of Sam and having him call out your name. It makes you sick to know you could have had such a dream. He is your brother for one and to make it worse you are thinking of screwing him so soon after being raped. He had fallen apart and you had to glue him back together and now you were getting to greedy. You weren't happy just holding him, you needed to feel him and it was wrong but so right.

You look at him again and you want to stop the car and go for it right now but you can't. It's wrong and even if it wasn't he's not ready. He is your brother and you just want to have your way with him and you know someone should put a bullet in you. You're guilty as hell for wanting this but there is more guilt, because when he sleeps you let your hands stray. You don't mean to of course, you are just thinking then it goes too far and your pulling your hands away before he wakes up. You are selfish for what you do and you know it puts the last four months in jeopardy.

If Sam wakes up then you've fucked everything right up and you're just as bad as Cole. He'd said it though, said that you'd want to it. The words echo in your head and you flinch. '_You'll be like me one day Dean'_ he'd taunted '_you'll want to know! You'll what to see how good it feels_.' And God he did and he was so scared. What if he couldn't help it, what if he couldn't control his urges and he took advantage of Sam. He'd shatter both their lives and the darkness would come creeping back and this time they'd never find the light.

"Fuck!" Dean curses then chews at the inside of his lip _God what the fuck is wrong with me? How can I want this? FUCK!_

"De…"

Dean's eyes are immediately on Sam's face; studying his express "Hey Kiddo" he whips, "You're ok" he said out of habit.

"Where are we?" he asks rubbing his eyes and sitting up straight.

"Heading to some no name town," he replies, "There's a motel a few miles up so we'll stay there then continue through to Little Rock."

Sam nodded slowly then pats Tristan, who was sound asleep on his lap.

"You ok?" Dean asked automatically.

"Fine" he sighed.

"No dreams?"

"Not then."

"That's good" he gave a stiff nod "means you're getting better."

"Guess I am" he shrugs.

"It's not going to happen overnight Sam" Dean subconsciously reached out for Sam's hand and he takes it without hesitation "but it will happen and I'm gonna be with you every step of the way" he squeezed his hand for emphasise.

"Yeah I know" he yawned, "been down this road before."

Dean stiffened, why was life so fucked up for them? How could he have forgotten? Sam had been through the same thing last year and this was like a repeat, only worse. So, _so_ much worse. Last year seemed like yesterday to Dean and God knows how Sam felt. He'd managed to escape the darkness only to be pulled back into it and now, _now _Dean was the one who would pull him back under. Because he couldn't control himself forever and he was putting Sam in danger and he was scared. He couldn't bear to hurt Sam but he couldn't stand to leave him. He was at a lost at what to do and he was running out of options.

He'd have to decide and fast. It was either tell Sam the truth and ruin his life or leave and save Sam from a world of pain. But could he do it? Could he say goodbye to Sam? Could he just walk out and never return? How could he abandon Sam when he was still so tender? He was still so weak and afraid, he needed Dean more then ever right now and Dean would have to stay.

And he'd have to control himself…

Or lose everything

**SNSNSNSN**

Sam found himself staring blankly at the ceiling, his eyes wondering over the numerous cracks in the paint. It is like every motel room, cracks in the paint, dust on the furniture and stains on the carpet. This motel room is like so many others so why does Sam feel afraid? He sits up and watches Dean as he attempts to make a half decent meal in the small kitchen. He'd promised Sam some home cooking for a while now but all Sam wanted was to be in his arms. He could feel the shivers racing over his body and he held Tristan tight, but it wasn't enough. He could feel the unwanted hands touching him and he tried to force them away.

_They're not there; they're not there, they're not there,_ he repeated to himself but he felt himself getting anxious. He croaks out Dean's name and he is by his side in a matter of seconds. Sam can feel Dean caressing his arm and whispering soft words to him. He pulls him into his arms and Sam is lying with his head in Dean's lap. He can feel Dean's fingers running subconsciously through his hair and he can relax again. The fear is swept away by Dean's steady stream of words and everything is ok.

"What happened baby?" Dean asked in soft whispered voice.

"It's just this room" he sighs, "I freak out at new places."

"Your safe though Sam" Dean assured "nothing's gonna get you with me here."

"I know" he slowly sits up and locks eyes with Dean "it just happens, I'm sorry."

"Hey don't be sorry" Dean said firmly "there is nothing to be sorry for, so you just relax" Dean rose to his feet and pushed Sam down onto the bed, so he was laying with his head against the headboard "and I'm gonna make dinner."

"Ok" he croaked.

"You're gonna be ok" he said with a halfhearted smile "Trust me."

"I do" Sam smiled "always will."

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean lay silent in the darkness. He couldn't sleep, thoughts going through his mind continuously without a moment of peace. Dean sighed heavily and rolled over to face his Sam, he was fast asleep, his legs drawn up to his chest and his face buried in the pillow. Dean smiled at Sam; he looked so childlike in his sleep. He moved closer then wrapped his arm around him and pressed his face into his hair, taking in the sent that was Sam. Lying beside his brother, his arms protectively wrapped around his baby brother in the large bed he thought about all that had happened to them and was still happening. A moment later he pulled away and stared at his little brother, he seemed so at ease with everything and it made Dean think that last four months had just been a dream. A really vivid dream.

But the bags under his little brothers eyes and the new scars on his neck reminded Dean that it hadn't been a dream. It had been real, it had happened and now he had to make everything better. And he was but now, _now_ he was having strange feelings towards Sam and he knew without a doubt what those feelings were but he had to deny them. He couldn't be in love with his own brother, it was wrong and sick. Yet at the same time, loving Sam seemed so natural to him, he was everything to Sam and he was everything to Sam. So was this, what he felt now really that wrong? Was it right?

After all they had been through, it seemed only natural for it to end up like this. They were best friends, brothers and so much more. So were being lovers normal? Was this meant to happen? Had it always been this way, had he always been in love with Sam but only now he saw it? Was it the pain, the sorrow, the suffering, the fear that made him realise that Sam was more then just his brother? In a strange way it all made sense to Dean, he had never really loved anyone the way he loved Sam, not even his own father.

He'd sold his soul for Sam, he'd taken a bullet for Sam, he'd saved him from the darkness; he'd made him who he was. So why should he not love, _be in love_ with him? He'd helped Sam become the perfect partner for himself. The perfect lover. But you weren't supposed to be in love with your brother, it was wrong but he didn't care. It seemed like the perfect match to him. He knew Sam inside and out and vice versa.

They were more like one rather then two. Always there for the other no matter what, always willing to give themselves for the other. They couldn't live without the other, they were one. Equal. So if Dean was in love with Sam that must mean that Sam was in love with Dean, because no matter what, they always seemed to feel the same things when it came to their brotherhood.

With a bright smile Dean decided that in the morning he would tell Sam how he felt and hope he felt the same.

Then everything would be right in the world.

Dean listened to the rain pour down, the room would suddenly light up with the occasional bout of sheet lightening but otherwise it was just endless blackness. Thunderstorms were always the worst for Sam, Dean didn't know why exactly, but something about them set Sam off. Dean was just glad Sam was asleep right now.

Dean quietly slipped out of the bed to close the curtains and grab some aspirin and water for his brother. He was in the kitchen when the thunder sounded snapping Sam out of his sleep; he never slept heavily anymore, followed closely by more lightning. Dean watched as Sam first froze in terror then moved as quickly as he could, calling Tristan to him while bundling the blankets over his head.

Tristan knew the drill already, as soon as the dog heard the thunder he was up and alert in an instant. Sam pulled him under the quilts with him and huddled into a small ball. A small lump in a large bed. Dean sighed and hopped that it would all be over soon. Walking over to the bed with water in hand, Dean thought about all the times he had done this before, so many so that he had nearly perfected his means of dealing with Sam like this.

Putting the water down Dean sat on the edge of the bed with his legs crossed under him, not daring to touch Sam yet.

"Hey Sam, it's ok, it's just a storm, nothing to hurt you, you're safe. Just you, me and Tristan here." Dean said trying to sooth Sam but not sure if he was even getting through to him considering the only reply he got was a whimper from Tristan.

Dean stayed quiet with his head buried in his hands. Time was what was going to get through to Sam, at least until the next bolt of lightning would strike.

It didn't take long for the sound of thunder to follow the lightning strike that had just occurred, and when it did Sam jumped rocking the bed as he did. He held on to Tristan tighter than before, and all Tristan could do was whimper.

"Sam, careful there with Tristan," Dean said placing his hand on Sam's arm trying to get his little brother to relax.

Dean felt Sam's muscles relax slightly allowing Tristan to move around slightly. Tristan wiggled around in Sam's grip, his head popping up out from under the cover's looking at Dean and barking at his second master.

"Yeah, yeah," Dean said taking the hint and moving the covers aside so he could slip in under with his brother. "I'm here now Sam," he said lying next to Tristan with his arm over both the dog and his brother.

"It's ok Sam, nothing is going to hurt you here," Dean reassured rubbing Sam's arm.

"God I hate this, I'm so sorry Dean," Sam said, it sounded like he had been crying.

"Nothing to be sorry for Sam, nothing at all and you know that," he said moving around Tristan to get in next to his brother holding him between the 'V' of his legs.

Sam's head rested against Dean's chest as he cuddled in closer to his brother. His lifeline. Dean carded his fingers through Sam's unruly mop of hair, something he realised ages ago that soothed his brother. All this while still being hidden under the covers.

It was still a while before the storm showed any sign of passing through, the whole time both the brother's lay still together. Soon the thunder started sounding few and far between. Dean moved his arms around and started to lift the covers off over the small group, he didn't dare move too quickly just in case Sam wasn't ready to move yet.

"You ok Sam? Ready to get these covers off?" Dean whispered, still rubbing his hand over his brother's back.

Sam stiffened up somewhat but nodded reluctantly, allowing Dean to move the covers off over their heads. Tristan rolled over and blinked at the light. Sam pats his pup signalling to the dog that he was free to do as he wanted which he understood, but didn't move.

Dean breathed in the fresh air and sighed. "Ok baby, why don't we get you up and have a nice drink before we go back to sleep," Dean said trying to get Sam to move.

"Just a little while longer," Sam whispered, snuggling in closer still.

"Alright baby." Dean said kissing the top of his brother's head and settling in for the long haul.

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	3. Chapter 2 Goodbye my Brother, My Lover

**Chapter two: Goodbye my Brother, **_**My Lover**_

When morning came Sam was sprawled over Dean, his head resting over his heart. As he came to he felt Dean's fingers whispering over his skin and he felt a chill run through his spin. He could feel his heart pick up speed and he wished that he could just get the courage to tell Dean how he really felt, but he'd be disgusted. He'd walk out on Sam and he'd be left on his own, to drown in his fears. _His sorrow_. He had to keep his mouth shut or lose everything forever.

He felt like he was living a lie though, he loved to be in Dean's arms more then anything else in the world. He loved gazing into Dean's eyes, he loved the feel of his skin against his and he longed for the feel of his lips moving over his own. He wished Dean would kiss away the pain, kiss away the memories and replace them with new ones. Better ones. He closed his eyes and he could see Dean and himself, together, as brothers, as best friends, _as lovers_. Was it so wrong to want that? After all he had been through why couldn't he just get this, just this once, couldn't something go right.

Was it so selfish to wish that Dean would just say those words, so he didn't have to? Just say 'I love you Sam' and then everything would fall into place. As he lay in Dean's arms it felt right, like they were puzzle pieces fitting together. Was this how it was really meant to be, Sam and Dean as lovers not just brothers. Had this been what was supposed to happy since the beginning? Was this destiny? To fall in love? Maybe so.

"What's on your mind baby?" Dean asked stroking Sam's hair.

"Just thinking" he sighed.

"About?"

"Nothing really" he lied.

"Alright" Dean slowly sat up, helping Sam up to "let's get you into a hot shower."

Sam flinched at Dean's words.

"What'd I say" he asked panic lacing his voice.

"Nothing" Sam hung his head "just stupid."

"Sam" Dean cupped Sam's chin in the crock of his fingers and titled his face up "it's not stupid, now tell me."

"Dean it's nothing" he hissed, "Just forget it! Please."

"Ok" he said backing off "I'll get breakfast while you shower."

"Ok" Sam said falling into one of his many moods. This was something Sam, himself hated; he hated how he fell into a depression so quickly. He would be in all right mood when something would go wrong and he'd feel like the world was out to get him. He would mope around or sleep for hours on end until Dean pulled him out of it. But it was sadly all a part of it and Sam knew it too well; he'd lived it already. That's what seemed to make this all so much worse for the both of them. How was it fair to make someone suffer twice, suffer in such a way.

As he stepped into the shower and the warm water ran over his many scars he remembered how lucky he was to have Dean. Without him he would have drowned, Dean was Sam's lifeline and his life.

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean walked back into the dingy motel room with two bacon burgers in a paper bag. He dropped them to the table and called to Sam who was still in the shower, sulking no doubt. He slumped down into one of the chairs and coughed loudly, he was sure he was coming down with something but now was not the time to be getting sick. Sam still needed him on his feet and able to take care of him, he wasn't ready to be the one in charge. It was still to soon and Dean knew it would take some more time. It'd taken the better part of last year to get him back to himself and even then he wasn't completely better.

He had been shattered into millions of tiny pieces and it was Dean's job to glue him back together but he was afraid he'd push Sam farther into the dark. If Dean couldn't get his feeling under control he would do something he'd regret and Sam would be lost forever. He was so twisted, how could he be in love with own brother? How could he dream of making love to him when someone had just taken advantage of him. He was supposed to make Sam ok again not make him worse.

Because though Dean was scared to admit it, Cole was right. He wanted to know what it felt like to be inside of Sam and he was just as sick as he was. He should get up and leave. Leave before he hurt Sam, but what about his earlier thoughts. Was Sam really feeling the same as he was? No, Dean had wanted him to so he'd thought it up and convinced himself that Sam wanted him. That Sam was in love with him. He'd just made himself believe Sam loved him so it was ok when he took what he wanted from Sam.

God, he was sick. He had to leave now, had to get away before he hurt Sam so much he was unfixable. He knew leaving would hurt Sam too but not as much as his own brother raping him. He kept dreaming of that, of having Sam beneath him, quivering with pleasure. But his dreams were wrong, in real life Sam would be shaking and crying in pain under the weight of Dean's body.

He had to leave.

_Now._

He jumped up, leaving his half eaten burger and raced around the room, throwing his clothes into his bag and zipping it up. He heard the shower shut off and he grabbed the keys and raced out the door. When he climbed into the car he had tears cascading down his face and his heart was racing but this was the only way to help Sam. The engine roared to life and he pulled away from the motel, his heart breaking. He blinked away the tears and the image of Sam finding him gone. He took one last glance at the motel and disappeared from Sam's life forever.

**SNSNSNSN**

Sam emerged from the shower twenty minutes later, steam bellowing around the room and fogging the glass. Taking long showers was something he did often. He still didn't feel clean, like he was forever dirty, never able to wash the filth away. He was forever reminded of his dark and taunting past. He pushed the thoughts, _the memories_, away and locked them in a deep part of his mind and wouldn't let them resurface. He was tired of being a burden to Dean, tired of making his brother chase away his demons and hold him tight until the night ended. He just wanted to be the way they were or rather they way he pictured them in his minds eye.

Together. As friends, as brothers, as lovers. Dean could make Sam feel human again, make him feel safe but without the incoherent words and soft caresses. He could be Sam's partner; _lover _and he could help him move past what has happened. He wasn't saying Dean hadn't helped just by being his brother, because he had. He'd saved Sam from the brink of destruction and now, _now_ he just wanted him to be there, to be the one who made him complete again.

He could make him Sam again. He could make him Sammy again. Sam flinched as he remembered Cole calling him Sammy, it had once just been a fun thing, it was Dean's thing. He was Dean's Sammy; no body else's, just his. But Cole had come along and whispered those words to him while he tore him apart from the inside. Those words held memories so strong Sam had to close his eyes to stop the tears from escaping and he was forced to hold back a sob. He would not cry. He would not cry.

He would not cry.

He would shed no more tears, he'd done his crying and now he would be brave when he heard his name and he would not become a mess if someone called him Sammy. He was strong, he was getting better, _he was better_. He took a deep breath then left the bathroom, fully dressed, jeans, two shirts and a jacket, some habits he couldn't kick easily. He'd seen Dean stare at him with concern when he wore a jacket outside in the boiling heat but he didn't care, he'd wear a million jackets if it meant he'd never being raped again.

No it would never, ever happen again. He would make sure of it; Dean would make sure of it. He would not suffer for months like he had, he was stronger now and he saw everyone for who they really were. Demons. Full of lust, anger and sin. Humans were just as bad as the demons he had hunted his whole life. People were just as capable of destroying someone's life as a demon was. They were full of impurity and wore sinister smiles and were cable of doing unthinkable things. He could no longer trust humans, they only one he could trust was Dean.

The only one he could ever be with was Dean.

He let out a long sigh then surveyed the room for the first time. It was empty expect for Tristan who was staring up at him with what looked like dread. Sam then looked up at the table where he saw a brown paper bag and a half eat burger, where was Dean? Panic set in, Sam's breathing increased in seconds and he doubled over, gasping for air but it felt thick. Tristan was by his side, rubbing his head against Sam's leg and making small whimpering noises.

_Control yourself Sam_ he ordered himself _he could just be outside, don't be weak. DON'T BE WEAK. _He slowly straightened up and rushed to the front door, not even pausing like he usual did, he yanked it open and stared out at the empty car lot. Dean was gone. He felt the tears threaten to spill and the panic was lacing itself around him, suffocating him. _He could have forgot something! He will be back! He will! HE WILL!_

He won't.

He'd left. He'd had enough. He hated Sam. He'd hated him all along and he'd cracked, he couldn't stand it. He'd left because Sam was weak and wasn't getting better and now, _now_ he would sink into the never-ending darkness. Sam stumbled backwards and collapsed onto the ground in a trembling mess, sobs wracked his worn-out body and the tears flowed down as they had done far too many times. Sam cried out, he screamed, he begged for this just to be a dream. Sam was in agony, pure agony. Being tortured, being raped was nothing compared to the pain he felt now, the pain of losing everything he had and everything he could have had.

He felt a nudge on his arm and he turned to face Tristan who held in his mouth Sam's phone. He reached out a shaky hand and took the device and opened the message that was on the screen. Three words, three words took Sam's breath away and made him choke on a sob, three last words from Dean. '_I'm sorry baby.'_ Sam held the phone close to his chest and repeated the words over and over again his head. _I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry baby._

"Sorry for what?" Sam spoke aloud and the grief was swiftly replaced with a burning rage "for leaving me? For being my brother? For saving me? For loving me? For what Dean!" Sam shouted, his throat burned from the strain but he didn't care. "What are you sorry for Dean!!!!" he screamed but no answer came, only a whimper from Tristan and then silence.

The silence that only the darkness could bring.

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean had returned. Three days away and he had returned. He had returned for all the wrong reasons though. He unlocked the door, since he had left in such a hurry he hadn't bothered to return his keys. He shoved the door open and crossed the threshold, shutting the door with a bang. He stared around the dark room, searching for Sam but all he saw were shadows. He flicked on the switch and the room lit up and the shadows vanished and Sam was visible. He was cowering in the corner, Tristan standing guard.

"Sam!" he raced to him and he threw himself into Dean's arms "I'm sorry" he pulled away so he could look Sam in the eyes "I shouldn't have left but…" he cupped Sam's face in his hands and stared lustfully into his eyes "I was afraid I'd do this" he forced his lips to Sam's in a fierce kiss and he could feel him tremble beneath him but he didn't care. He wanted this.

He needed this.

"Dean stop!" Sam whimpered once Dean stopped kissing him and moved onto undressing him "Please Dean!"

"No Sam!" he shouted and Sam recoiled into himself "I want this!" he tore Sam's shirts off like it was nothing "and I will have it!" he picked Sam up off the ground with little effort; he was so weak these days. He threw him onto the bed, taking pride in the fact that he just lay there, trembling and begging him not to do this. He quickly undressed himself, exposing his muscles and showing Sam that he could over power him. "Lay still for me baby" he went to straddle Sam when he felt a sharp piecing pain shoot up his leg. He looked down to see Tristan bitting his leg with sheer force. "Fuck off" he booted the pup in the head in with a whimper he was out cold.

"Dean" Sam cried out in anguish "Please… don't… De…"

"Shhhh" he whispered as he straddle him, getting ready to enter his brother by force "it's gonna be fine Sam."

"Dean no" Sam tried to scream but his voice was barely audible.

"Yes Sam" Dean smirked then entered his body and all he could hear was Sam's anguished scream followed by whimpers. All he felt was pure pleasure.

"I told you Dean."

Dean looked away from Sam's pained face and turned to face Cole, shivering when he saw his cold black eyes.

"You are just like me!"

"NOOOOOO!!!" Dean sat up rigid, his breath coming in pants and sweat beading over his body. "Sam" he whimpered then slumped back into the seat and started to cry. "I'm sorry" he sobbed "I can't do this to you" he wiped the tears away fiercely "I don't deserve to live" he slammed his head into the steering will, causing an instant headache but it dulled the empty pit in his stomach "Gotta save you" he murmured in despair "not gonna be like him" he sat up and looked up at the sign that read Welcome to South Dakota.

"Bobby" he whispered then the engine roared to life, the tyres spinning leaving a dust cloud behind. The houses flew past Dean in blurred colours as he raced towards Bobby's, as he raced towards his demise. It should have been a twenty-minute drive to Bobby's but Dean was there in ten minutes flat, breaking all road rules without a care. He pulled into Bobby's driveway, slamming the breaks on as soon as the house came into view.

He jumped out of the car, not even bothering to turn off the engine. He raced up the steps and knocked ferociously on the door, as soon as Bobby opened the door he barged in. He spun around to face Bobby, his breathing heavy and sweat was once again beading all over his body. Bobby stared at with perplexed expression.

"Dean…"

"Shoot me!"

"What?" Bobby exclaimed.

"Kill me Bobby please," he said with pleading eyes.

"Why?" he asked with concern lacing his voice "Dean what's happening?"

"Shoot me for fuck's sake Bobby!"

**Please review :)**


	4. Chapter 3 Nothing else I can Say

**Chapter three: Nothing else I can Say**

Bobby stared at Dean with a perplexed expression, his jaw was dropped and his heart was hammering. Why the hell was Dean asking him to kill him, what the hell had happened? When he'd last saw Sam and Dean four weeks ago everything was getting better, Sam was better, Dean was better but now Dean was begging for death. He had so many questions to ask but he just stared at Dean with his mouth open. He tried to speak but the fear was making it hard to even form words. But he had to speak, he had to find out what was happening and he had to help fix it.

"Dean calm down" he said finally "come take a seat and we'll talk ok?"

"No Bobby" he said shaking his head "please Bobby" he stared at him with tears in his pleading eyes "I don't want to hurt Sam… I don't want to be like him."

"Hurt Sam?" he asked baffled "don't wanna be like who? Dean what the hell are you on about!"

"I… I love Sam."

"Of course you love Sam, you idiot, he's your brother" Bobby was now very confused and he wasn't sure there was a word to describe his confusion.

"No Bobby" he whispered "I'm in love with Sam."

"What?"

"I'm in love with Sam, Bobby," he said louder this time "Like crazy, let's have sex, kiss, hold hands in love."

"Have you hit your head?"

Oh he wished. "No Bobby for fuck's sake I haven't hit my head, I'm not under a spell, I'm not possessed I'm just me myself and I and I am in love with Sam and its wrong and I'm so stupid and if he finds out he is gonna run a mile" he babbled "and I'm gonna hurt him if I see him again. Because I'm just like he said" in a fit of rage Deans spun around and landed a punch to the wall, cracking his knuckles but doing no damage to the wood "Fuck! I'm just like him! I'm supposed to protect Sam not be the one who hurts him!"

"Dean calm down" Bobby ordered "and shut the hell up so I can wrap my head around this."

"Sorry" he breathed.

"I need a drink" he turned on his heel and walked towards the kitchen, Dean at heel. He purred two whiskies then turned to face Dean after draining his and offering Dean one. "You love Sam" he asked, turning to pour another drink "and you don't wanna be like who?"

"Cole, Bobby" he said scoffing his drink "he said I'd want to know what it feels like and Goddamnit I do."

"Want to know what feels like?"

Dean stepped past Bobby and picked up the black whisky bottle and swallowed two big mouthfuls "to know what it likes to be inside of Sam."

Bobby's jaw dropped and he was left speechless, he'd heard some strange and sick things come from Dean's mouth but this was by far the worse. Lost for words he just took the bottle and took a deep drink. He placed the bottle back down and he was sure this wasn't going to be enough to deal with what just came out of Dean Winchester's mouth.

"I have no words for how shocked I am."

"Then just kill me," he begged "stab me, shoot me, strangle me, beat me to death, just kill me!"

"No Dean I won't" he growled, "I would never, no matter what you say."

"I love Sam, Bobby" he repeated "I wanna fuck Sam senseless and if I don't soon I'm scared as hell I might just do so without his permission."

There was so not enough alcohol in the world for this. "Dean" Bobby's nostrils flared and without much thought he punched Dean in the face with such a force he split his skin. "Sorry" he quickly apologised "I'm just having trouble with the fact your" he trailed off, he couldn't say it, it was wrong. Even for a Winchester. "I'm not gonna kill you Dean" he sighed "But I'm going to ask you stay away from Sam."

"I can't Bobby" he whined, "I will return to him and I won't be able to control myself."

"Yes you will," he said, "Because I'm going to get Sam and he will be staying here and if you even step on the foot path I will shoot you."

"Shoot me now!" he wailed.

"I didn't say I'd kill you."

Dean sighed then picked up the bottle and chugged the rest, he should really be off his face by now "Is this whisky?"

"No it's holy water" Bobby confessed, "Had to make sure you weren't a demon."

"Can I have whisky now please?"

"No" Bobby said firmly "you're gonna tell me where Sam is then you're gonna pack up and leave and when you figure out that you don't love Sam you can come back."

"But I can't not love him."

"Dean" Bobby paused to try and find the right way to word this "You and Sam have been through hell in the last two years and these eh… feeling… are just from all you've been through."

"Like some post-traumatic stress?"

"Yeah… maybe" he shrugged "Hopefully."

"No Bobby" Dean sighed, "These feelings are real! I love Sam with all my heart and I know it's wrong" he closed his eyes "but to me it's so right" he reopened them and expected to be in hit in the face again but he saw something else in the older mans eyes. He understood. "Sam's in a small town near Little Rock in Blue Star motel, I left three days ago, so I guess he's freaked."

"Dean how could you?"

"I had too," he said letting a tear slip "I would have hurt him otherwise."

Bobby nodded "Get your ass back on the road and I'll go get Sam. But don't come back here until you know you won't hurt Sam."

"OK" Dean turned and headed towards the door.

"And Dean."

"Yeah?" he asked looking over his shoulder.

"Don't show your face in this town until I say so, ok."

He gave one final nod then disappeared leaving a devastated and distraught Bobby behind.

**SNSNSNSN**

For two days Sam sat unmoving in the corner of the shady motel room, completely unwhere of his surroundings. He'd sunken deep into the darkness, falling into an imaginary land where everything was ok. But his fantasy had been destroyed by his haunting memories, shattering his blue skies and green fields and replacing them with a small room. A basement.

The room was bleak, the only light was from the window and Sam lay shivering on a bed, his hands and feet bound to it. He was alone in this place, left to sob in the darkness. But then he was there. The monster from his dreams, from his past, was standing over him with a sinister smile and the cold look in his eyes. He'd tried to get away, God he'd tried but there was no escaping this darkness, he was stuck here, forever.

No one would come this time.

Dean would not come.

So there he lay and there he stayed. There was no escape, no hope, no light. Just the darkness and him. Sam cried out as Cole used his body for his own pleasure, but this was just a memory, it wasn't really happening, right? So why didn't he wake? Why didn't the darkness disappear? Why didn't Dean come? So many questions flowed through his head but no answers came, just more pain.

Just more fear.

Three more days and the pain never ended and Dean never came. Why was he here again? Hadn't he been saved? Yes, Dean had saved him. He was better now. So why was he here? Hadn't he relived this enough? He didn't deserve this, not now not then. What had he done to deserve this? He'd never been a bad person, for fuck's sake he saved people every day of his Goddamn life and for what? Why did it end this way? Why did it end with him sinking into the darkness and just fading away?

Why couldn't he have had a happy ending? Was it too much to fucking ask? Or was it because his idea of happy ending involved him and Dean as a couple, as lovers. It was wrong, so why should he get it? But so was what had happened to him, so why couldn't one wrong be righted with another. Couldn't he just have this? Couldn't he just have this one wrong to fix all the others, didn't he deserve to be happy after everything he'd been through. Did anybody care that he wanted to be happy.

Did anyway care at all?

Why did he have to linger in the darkness? Wouldn't someone save him? Wouldn't Dean save him? Why was he here? Couldn't someone hear his sobs, hear his despair? Couldn't someone see he was dying? Did they care that he just wanted to be happy, to feel safe, to feel loved. To feel human. But all his pleading, his begging, his screaming went unheard. No one cared, no one ever cared. He's fate had been sealed and that was to die here.

To die in the darkness.

Then he felt something, someone. Someone was shaking him, calling out to him, begging him to snap out of it. Was it Dean? Had Dean returned? No. He was alone and no one was calling out his name and no one was shaking him. He was alone. Right? Then he heard it, a voice familiar and welcome, it wasn't Dean but it was someone he loved. His father? No he was dead, a friend, no he had none, Bobby? Bobby! That's who it was, and if it was Bobby then maybe Dean was here too.

He fought his way out of the darkness, struggling to the surface. He opened his eyes and found himself facing Bobby, an anxious expression on the old hunters face. He went to speak but no words came out, his mouth and throat were so dry. When was the last time he'd drunk, hell when was the last time he ate. He didn't remember, all he remembered was the darkness and finding an empty room.

"Sam, son are you ok?" Bobby asked but it sounded far off.

"De…" his voice cracked as he spoke, when was the last time he talked?

"Dean's…" he paused to think, what could he tell Sam? 'I sent your brother away cause he's in love with you?' No. Sam could not know about Dean's feelings, it would only make this worse. Though the situation was already looking pretty grim but at least Bobby could maybe help Sam, look after him until Dean got his head straight. "Dean had to help a friend of mine" the lie rolled off his tongue "he is a hunter and is hunting something big and I thought Dean could help him out."

"So why'd he just take off?" Sam had found his voice and now he wanted answers.

Ok this would be hard to explain, lets see 'sorry Sam, truth is your brother was afraid he was turning into Cole so he hightailed it'. No matter what he said it wouldn't change the fact Dean had abandoned Sam and he couldn't say anything to make that right. "He thought you'd be ok on your own."

"He thought?" Sam tried to shout but it came out like sob, "I need Dean, I'm scared without him, I can't do anything without him." _Because I'm so weak._

"Dean wasn't thinking straight" well that wasn't a complete lie, clearly Dean wasn't thinking straight "he just left and sent me to get you."

_Lies_ Sam thought, something else had happened, but Dean didn't hate him like he had thought. But Dean had left but why he did not know, but he would find out. "Ok" he said gradually, he'd just pretend to take the bait "can we go now?" he asked "to your house?"

"Let's get you cleaned up and fed first" Bobby said with a sigh and a small smile "Then we'll go and everything will be ok."

He hoped.

**SNSNSNSN**

Two weeks later and Dean was going crazy, or maybe he was already crazy, he was in love with Sam after all. Yeah he was crazy, so fucked up crazy. But what could he do? He'd tried denial, telling himself that he didn't love Sam, that this was stress or something ridiculously stupid like that. But no matter what he came up with it didn't change the fact he was in love with Sam. He was a danger to Sam so he had no choice but to stay away from until he knew for sure he wouldn't hurt him.

But what if he wouldn't hurt Sam? What if he was overreacting and all the stress had forced his nightmare upon him? What if he wasn't anything like Cole? Because Dean knew he wouldn't, _couldn't,_ ever hurt Sam. So what if all he really wanted was just to let Sam know he loved him, that he wanted to protect him, to look after him and make him feel human.

All he wanted was to love Sam.

But what if Sam didn't love him? Though hadn't he thought that if he loved Sam then Sam loved him too? Didn't they always have the same emotions? No, why would Sam love Dean? Who'd honestly love him? Sam wouldn't. He'd seen the way Dean was, seen how he treated women like crap, seen him sleeping around, so why would Sam want that? He couldn't trust Dean. But Dean would never cheat on Sam, for a fact he hadn't slept with a woman since last year not that he'd admit to it.

He'd tried. He'd gone out, chatted someone up but then when it came to leave, he felt sick. How could he have had sex when Sam had been raped? It seemed unfair, why should he enjoy it when it bought Sam so much agony? So ever since then he didn't go out, he didn't sleep around and he didn't miss it. Now he realised why, because he had been falling for Sam ever since last year but only now did he realise he loved Sam.

He was in love with Sam.

And there was nothing else he could say.

**Sorry for the late update guys I have the flu :( anyway please review coz it will make me feel better :)**


	5. Chapter 4 Run

**Chapter four: Run**

A month later and there had been no word from Dean and Sam kept asking but all he got was 'Dean's hunting something big and he'll be home soon.' That was two weeks ago and Sam hadn't asked again, he'd just stayed in his room, trying to figure out where the hell Dean was. He wasn't stupid, he knew Bobby was lying to him, Dean wasn't hunting, God did he look stupid or something? Maybe Bobby was hoping Sam's mind wasn't set straight anymore so he'd buy the ridiculous lie. He wasn't that fucked up or maybe he was? Ok so he was fucked up, ever since last year he'd been fucked up but he wasn't buying this lie and he was not going to sit on his arse while his brother, _his love_, was missing. He'd find Dean, because God damnit he found him and it was time for Sam to step up and repay the favour.

But how the hell was he going to find Dean? He could be anywhere and Sam had no idea where to even start looking. That's when the disturbing thoughts emerged, what if Dean had been taken, or worse. What if a demon had him or someone like Cole? Sam's stomach churned and the bitter taste of bile stung his throat and he found himself running to the bathroom. He dropped to the floor and emptied his stomach into the bowl, tears mixing with the sweat. God what if Dean was…

He couldn't think that. He stood on shaky legs and rinsed the bile taste from his mouth before retreating to his room. He shut the door then collapsed onto his bed, his head resting near Tristan's. He took in slow deep breaths, trying to get his breathing under control. He tried, _he tried_ so hard to tell himself that Dean was ok, that Bobby wasn't lying and he was hunting but he knew better. He couldn't lie to himself. Dean was missing and Bobby knew that but he wasn't sharing his information with Sam. He was feeding him feeble lies, thinking Sam was buying them and believed that Dean just took off because of some demon.

Dean wouldn't even consider leaving Sam for a hunt, hell he wouldn't even go to the freaking shop without saying he would be back in no more then a few minutes. He wouldn't leave Sam unless someone took him or he was forced too. That was it! Dean had been forced to leave Sam, it explains the message and basically the whole reason he was gone because Dean wouldn't allow someone to just _take_ him. He was strong and could fight so he wouldn't have just been _taken_, he had been forced.

But by whom?

**SNSNSNSN**

If someone asked Dean if he was crazily in love with Sam the answer would be yes, if they ask if he was just plan old crazy he'd say of course I'm crazy I'm in love with my fucking brother. But today, _today_ if someone asked if he were crazy for loving his brother he'd say no, because a month of denial hadn't changed his feelings and the absence had only made it stronger. He loved Sam. More then anything in the God damn world and Dean didn't want much but he wanted Sam and he was going to get Sam. Because for once he would be selfish.

Though he knew very well that there was a chance Sam might not love him but that was a slim chance since he loved Sam then Sam would love him. Ok someone was on a new level of crazy. But at the end of the day Dean had always been crazy so what was one more reason to be called crazy. Dean cranked up the music and drove as fast as his second baby could go. He hadn't quite thought of what to say to Sam, maybe he could just blurt it out or be a little more romantic about it. Not that Dean was very good at romance but hell he could try.

For Sam he would try.

He cranked up the volume and Led Zeppelin came bursting out of the speakers. He drummed his fingers against the wheel in time with the beat and sung along to the lyrics. Dean was relatively in a good mood, maybe it had something do to with sleepless nights and endless cases of beer but no matter how worn out he was, he was going to get Sam.

As long as he didn't crash the car along the way.

**SNSNSNSN**

Sam rubbed his eyes and cracked his back; six hours straight on bent over in front of a computer really did wonders for your back. But Sam fought off the pain and resisted the urge to full asleep and kept searching. He wasn't too sure for what he was looking for but anything was better then nothing. But how did you find someone when you had no idea where to even start looking? It was like trying to fine a needle in a 3,000-mile haystack. This was pointless but Sam wasn't about to call it quits, Dean never gave up on him.

"Sam."

Sam looked up to find Bobby standing in the doorway "Yeah?"

"Tea will be ready soon, so wash up."

"Ok" Sam said dully "Hey Bobby."

"Yeah?"

"Where's Dean" he locked eyes with his old friend and dared him to lie to him.

"Away hunt-"

"-No he's not" San snapped "I'm not stupid, now tell me where he is… _please_."

"I can't Sam" Bobby said and Sam truly believed he couldn't.

"Is he safe?" Sam's voice cracked as he spoke.

"He's safe" Bobby said then disappeared before Sam could ask any more questions.

Sam sighed, his shoulders sagging with despair and grief. Why the hell wouldn't Bobby tell him where Dean was? Why wouldn't Dean just find some way to let him know he was ok? Was he really ok though? Did Bobby just spin Sam another lie and this time he'd brought it, only for a second though. Damn it, what the hell was going on? Why wouldn't someone just tell him what was going on? He could handle it. Couldn't he?

Sam felt tears sting his eyes and he wished, God he wished so hard that Dean would just come through that God forsaken door and kiss them away. Was that too much to ask? Why didn't anyone care that he just wanted Dean. That he just wanted to be with Dean, that's all he asked. All he wanted.

_All he needed._

He'd suffered enough in the last year and a half so why the hell should he have to suffer more? Did someone like watching him sink into the darkness? Did they like fucking with him? _With them_. Couldn't someone, _anyone _just see that this was all he wanted, all he was asking for? Was this to much of a sin to be granted, hell, he knew it was wrong, wrong on so many levels but what did he care? He just wanted happiness; he just wanted something, someone to help lift the darkness.

He wanted Dean.

And he'd get him, even if it meant running away to find him.

**SNSNSNSN**

When darkness fell Dean arrived at Bobby's, ready as ever to tell Sam that he loved him. He killed the engine and got out, taking in a deep breath before walking to the front door. He knocked twice on the door then waited, his heart was racing and he could feel sweat beading on the nape of his neck. _Just breathe_ Dean he told himself_ it'll be ok, Sam will feel the same way and everything will be ok._ The door opened and Bobby stood there, at first he seemed surprise then his brow furrowed.

"Dean what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see Sam."

"Are you better?"

"Am I better?" he gawked "I didn't realise anything was wrong."

Bobby shook his head "There was plenty wrong with ya Dean."

"Oh, oh you mean the whole loving Sam thing" he said with a shrug "no, I still love him."

"Then you have to leave Dean."

"No I don't" he stated "and I wont. Sam is my brother Bobby and I know I'm not meant to have these feelings for him but I do and I can't change it and me hiding away from Sam isn't helping any. So please don't tell me to leave, let me just talk to him, _please_."

"Dean it could-"

"-It's not gonna fuck things up Bobby" he ground his teeth together to suppress his rage "I know, ok, I know this seems so fucked up to you but to me it couldn't be more right."

Bobby let out a long sigh "Ok fine… you can talk to Sam… when we find him."

Dean's stomach dropped and his jaw hit the floor "excuse me?"

**SNSNSNSN**

This was a bad idea. No, this was a stupid, fucked up, really, really bad idea. Sam was a fool to think he could just take off and be fine; oh no he was far from fine. He'd stolen one of Bobby's old cars and driven half way out of town, driving aimless and hoping, praying he'd find Dean. He'd packed his bag and left without really thinking it through but now he regretted his hasty actions. He was now stranded, his car had long ago died and he'd started walking, now, _now_ he was stuck on the dark and lonely road. His heart hammering so hard he could feel it pound against his ribs and his head was spinning.

He wasn't even aware of where he was right now, all he knew was that it was dark and he was lost and Dean was not there. He was all alone and he was losing it. He felt his legs fall from under him and he collapsed onto the cold ground, the force of the fall sent pain shooting through both legs and deep into his back. He closed his eyes in despair and let out a sob, it echoed around him, reminding him that he was truly alone. He felt his stomach heave and he retched, his lunch spilling onto the road.

He went to stand back up when he felt a sharp pain deep in his stomach; he coughed furiously then fell back down. His hands and knees hit the ground hard, only causing more pain. He ground his teeth together, forcing back a cry of pain. He dropped to the ground, curling his body into a small ball. Trying so hard to block out the world and the demons in it. He could taste his left over meal in his mouth but there was something else, the taste of copper. He lifted his head and spat out the crimson liquid only to have another bout of bile go with it.

He emptied what was left of his meal onto the ground then let a tear slip. How could he be so stupid? He wasn't ready to face the world on his own; he was a fool to think otherwise. As he opened his eyes he saw a red tinge stained the white bile, he felt his heart skip a beat at the sight. Something was wrong with him and this time Dean was nowhere to be seen.

This time he wouldn't be saved.

**Please leave a review because I love to hear from you guys :)**


	6. Chapter 5 Love you The same Way

**Chapter five: Love you The same Way**

Lights. Noise. Voices.

Sam lay unmoving on the ground, voices echoed in the distance along with a loud siren that was causing a blinding headache. He ground his teeth and dug his nails into the palms of his hands and forced back the sobs that so desperately wanted to escape. He flinched every time he felt someone touch him, he tried to pull away, he tried to get up and run but he was to weak. He was always too weak. And he was showing it; he lay in the middle of nowhere, to weak to keep running, too weak to fight, too weak to find Dean.

"Sir what's your name?"

Sam jumped at the sound of the voice, it sounded so clear and so close. No, please God no. No. No. No. No. He was alone, he'd been alone, he'd been safe, he was safe. Dean promised he'd be safe, but where was Dean? Left. Gone. He'd packed his bags and left without a word, he'd left because Sam was weak, because he was _pathetic_. He felt more hands roam his body, he wanted to fight them off, to scream and beg for them to not hurt him but he couldn't find his voice, he couldn't find the courage.

"We'll take him."

Sam went rigid. He had to get away, he had to fight but he stayed frozen. His eyes slipped shut and he closed out the monsters that hovered over him. As long as he was somewhere safe they couldn't hurt them, they couldn't reach him, _they couldn't hurt him_. He imagined happy days, days from a life so different it didn't seem real. Long nights hunting, parties, birthdays, his first day at high school, all so long ago. All so surreal. As he lay surrounded by monsters he wondered how once he had been happy, how once he had been normal.

There was a time where he didn't fear the dark though he knew he very well he should have. But demons, demons never hurt him like this, demons had tried and tried to bring him down but never could but a ghost had brought him to his knees. Cole had brought him to his knees. Cole tortured and raped Sam for days on end and left him surrounded by the darkness.

Lights. Noises. Voices. Darkness.

**SNSNSNSN**

"How could you let him go missing Bobby?" Dean demanded while gripping the wheel to the Impala tightly "seriously, Bobby, he can't be on his own right now. I never should have left. Fuck!"

"Dean, please I'm sorry" Bobby apologised for what felt like the hundredth time "I really am but you losing your head ain't helping any and it certainly wont get Sam back sooner."

"But it makes me feel better" he murmured under his breath. "How the fuck are we going to find him Bobby?"

"Just relax, we will."

"How?"

"I dunno but we will."

"What, after he's been fucking raped again."

"That's not going to happen Dean" Bobby assured.

"How do you know? Huh" Dean slammed the breaks on and turned to face Bobby "it wasn't supposed to happen last time, hell it wasn't supposed to happen at all but someone fucked up wanted it to! Someone wanted to ruin our lives and now they're back and they are fuckin with us again."

"No ones fucking with you Dean" Bobby said composed.

"Really?" Dean asked with a raised eyebrow "cause I'd say someone was fucking with us since they moment we were born. First mum dies then dad and then Sam gets raped… how is it fair? How is it fair that we go through so much for it to end like this?" Dean's voice broke as he spoke and the never-ending tears fell. "Why did this have to happen Bobby? Why, please tell me why?"

Bobby felt his stomach twist into knots and tears clouded his vision "I don't know Dean, I really don't know" he reached over and pulled the broken hunter into his arms "It just did and I know its hurt you both a lot and its changed a lot" Bobby let out a big sigh, he couldn't believe he was about to say this "but through all the pain it has brought something good too" he pulled back and locked eyes with Dean's "it brought love."

"What?" Dean asked in a tear-choked voice.

"Look I don't really know what I think of you loving Sam but maybe it was meant to be" he gave Dean a soft smile "maybe you went through this hell so you could… find one another… so you could realise you two were meant to be."

"Aww Bobby" Dean said with a teary smile "I didn't know you could be so romantic."

Bobby gave off a soft chuckle "Yeah, yeah, look I still don't know what Sam thinks about this but something tells me that he does love you the same way and that… you two are truly meant to be together."

Dean smiled, a true smile "we are so like Brad and Angelina."

Bobby rolled his eyes "Lets just find your brother."

**SNSNSNSN**

When Sam woke up he found himself in a strange yet familiar white room. He surveyed his surroundings; there were three chairs, one of which was a lounge. There was also a bedside table with a strange machine that showed his heart rate and stats, next to it was a drip stand, with a tube that went to his hand. He didn't need to look any further because he knew where he was: hospital. These white walls, the too clean smell, the beeping noises were all too familiar; they were forever imprinted in his mind. He let his eyes slip close and he didn't even bother to wonder how he got here because what would knowing do? Nothing. A big, fat, fucking nothing.

Because it didn't matter how or when he got here, he was here and he safe. He may not know why he was here or how the fuck he got here but he was and though white walls held terrifying memories he knew he was safe. He let out a slow shallow breath before letting a silent tear snake a path down his cheek, following the path of many others.

Being safe meant nothing if he were alone. Being safe meant nothing if he couldn't just speak those three words he should have voiced such a long time ago. Three words, eight letters and he never said them, not the way he meant them. As he lay in some hospital far from the one who truly loved he realised it's time to whisper those words, it's time to stop fearing his past and create a future.

Living in fear would not bring happiness it would only forever hide him in the darkness. He had to forget his past, he had to redeem himself, it was time he became the Sam he once was and he'd start by saying those three small yet powerful worlds. He felt a smile creep onto his face and he wondered what Dean would say when he told him. Would he throw his arms around him and they'd kiss passionately or would he be shocked but a smile would grace his face and then, then everything would be ok.

Right?

**SNSNSNSN**

"This is bad, this is so fucking bad, shit, shit, shit" Dean paced back and forwards in front of the Impala, muttering some very colourful words "Fucking hell. God just let me find him you sonuvabitch."

"Dean" Bobby said with a sigh "stop yelling at God."

"Tell him to do some mojo and point me in the right direction so I can find Sam!"

Bobby rolled his eyes and drained the rest of his coffee; himself and Dean had been sitting outside a small no-name diner since early in the morning. The Impala had broken down and they were still waiting for a tow truck. To make it worse there was no reception and Sam was still missing and Dean was losing it.

"God! Hello! Help me."

Scratch that, he'd lost it.

"Dean, son, please calm down."

Dean took in a deep breath and turned to face Bobby, "Sure" he said tersely "I'll just be calm WHILE my little brother is missing." He looked back to the sky "God I'm serious, where the hell is my brother?"

"This kid needs a shrink," Bobby muttered.

"I heard that" Dean shouted "and I've already had one."

"You didn't see Doctor Harley nearly enough to get through all your issues."

"Well I'm sorry I have issues that need resolving" he said in a ice tone "but right now I need to find Sam, since someone lost him."

"I didn't lose him Dean" Bobby protested, "He just wandered off."

"Yeah dad gave that same speech when he lost Bailey."

"Who the hell was Bailey?"

"My cat" he said rolling his eyes "the one that 'wandered off'."

"You had a cat?" Bobby exclaimed, "Do you even like cats?"

Dean stuck his hands in pockets and looked away "yes" he then shook his head to clear it, he was too loony these days "my point is Sam isn't a dog and he didn't wander off, you lost him."

"Look whatever" Bobby said, he was too tired to argue and Dean had really lost his mind "let's just walk."

"Yeah we'll follow the yellow brick road" Dean said rolling his eyes in the same manner as Bobby had used.

"You know what the first thing I'm gonna do when we find Sam is?"

"What?"

"Get you a shrink."

"Great" Dean said with a huff "make sure you gift wrap him for me."

Bobby opened his mouth but chose not to speak, Dean had really, really, lost it and words would do no good. The only way to help Dean was to find Sam, because until they both knew Sam was safe they'd both be a little loopy. He hoped they found Sam fast, before they were the ones who needed saving.

**SNSNSNSN**

It was late at night and Sam's hospital room was dark and quiet, _too quiet_. He wrapped the blankets tightly around him and hid beneath covers, shielding himself from the world around him. He closed his eyes and took in shallow breaths, trying to calm his racing his heart. Trying not to panic. He counted each breath he took, trying desperately not to succumb to his darkest fears. He'd spent all day on his own and he'd been relatively fine but when night fell the fear crept in.

_You're safe, you're safe, you're safe_ he repeatedly told himself, trying, _trying _so God damn hard to stay calm. _Close you eyes, go to better times._ Sam let his mind wander to better days, days where he had no idea that such evil existed. A life, a life without the darkness. A life without the darkness that laced itself around him and dragged him down into an ocean filled with pain, despair, embarrassment and sorrow. To Sam, what he felt now was like he had been placed in a new world, a world where pain was a given and happiness was reachable but never, _never_ touchable.

He'd reached out with both hands and he was ready, _so ready_ to grasp at happiness when he was pulled back into the darkness. He's fingers had brushed lightly over the light only to have him come back and the light was gone. Everything was gone. All hope, all faith, all light, gone. When happiness is so close, so God damn close, to loss it, is like losing your way. He'd been walking along a dark road and he'd finally seen the light and he was so close when he took a wrong turn and everything was turned upside down.

How do you escape the darkness when it follows you everywhere? How do you escape the darkness when it seeks you, when it feeds and lives off every moment, every event, that tore you apart. It feeds off your fear and it laughs when you fall down and it loves it when you start to sink. As you shiver in the cold, dark room, it snickers and you swear you actually here someone laugh, you swear you hear _him_.

But you tell yourself that he is not here, he is not here because Dean killed him, Dean protected you and you are safe. But where is Dean? Where are you? The fear is making you numb and you forget where you are and why you are here and all your jumbled thoughts lead down the same path. You are not safe. You were not saved by Dean and he, _he_ is here.

_You are not safe_.

You want to get up, you want to run and you want to scream. The fear has turned into panic and you can't think straight and your hearing things, seeing things and there is no escape. You can hear him, God he is here. Dean is not. The tears start to fall, because they always fall but no one is here to wipe them away and no one is here to whisper words of comfort. But he is here, but he is always here, hiding in the shadows, _waiting_, always waiting and when you crumble, when you break, he is there. _Waiting._

You hear the door open and the light seeps in but you try to hide, to disappear into the bed and leave no trace behind. Your heart beats faster as he nears you and you sob louder and you start to beg. Then you hear it, you hear your voice of reason and you know, you know you are safe. You slowly come out from under the covers and when you see him, you smile and you cry with joy. He rushes to you and you are in his arms and everything is ok.

Because as long as he is here, it will always be ok.

**SNSNSNSN**

When Sam woke up everything was perfect. He was safe in Dean's arms, he could hear his steady heart beat below his ear and feel his soft caresses. He looked up and met green eyes that sparkled with hope. Sam couldn't help himself; he couldn't deny his feelings for any longer, so he took a chance. He tilted his head and his lips brushed ever so softly over Dean's. He opened his eyes, worried as hell of what he would see but what he saw was not what he imagined. Dean was smiling brightly at him, tears running down his face and falling onto his chest. He cupped Sam's chin in the crook of his fingers and pressed his lips back to Sam's, kissing him with all he had.

Sam ended the kiss first; he needed to know that this was real and not just a dream. He stared longingly into his lover's eyes and a smile graced his face, mirroring Dean's. "I love you Dean" he whispered, "I love you, so, _so_ much."

"I love you to Sam" he lent forwards and kissed him again, not a tongue fighting kiss just a soft closed mouth kiss but this kiss said it all. "God I loved you and for so long I've wanted to tell you but I was afraid. But I love you, I do, I do."

Sam smiled then pressed another kiss to Dean's lip and in that moment he felt the darkness disappear. He and Dean became lost in the moment, lost in each other. Lost in this one perfect moment. This sweet moment was however interrupted with a doctor walking in; he blushed sheepishly then introduced himself as Doctor Hayden.

"What's up Doc" Dean said with a cocky grin, the cocky grin which hadn't seen the light of days in so long.

"I have some news for Sam Freedom" he said giving out one of Sam's many false names.

"Well spill" Dean said sitting up, pulling Sam into his arms and putting on his poker face.

"Well this news may shock you," he said looking away then looking back "it astonished me I must tell you."

"Well what is it?" Dean could feel the panic lacing around him but he had to compose himself for Sam.

"Well see… I ran Sam's blood work a few times to make sure and I'd like a urine sample too but… but…" he looked away then looked back "it… it appears that Sam is pregnant."

And the darkness came roaring back.

**Please review it makes me happy :) and update faster ;)**


	7. Chapter 6 Its just one of those days

**Chapter six: Its just one of those days**

"_Well see… I ran Sam's blood work a few times to make sure and I'd like a urine sample to but… but…" he looked away then looked back "it… it appears that Sam is pregnant."_

Sam felt his stomach drop and he was sure his heart had stopped beating or the world had stopped spinning. No way, no God damn way did he just say what Sam think he did. No fucking way did he just say that Sam was… was pregnant; it wasn't possible, no, no, no, no. God no! No it wasn't true, he'd fucked up the test, he had, he had. Sam wasn't… God please he wasn't. Sam felt his stomach churn and he tried his best to hold back the bile but to no avail, he emptied his stomach on the floor and the world spun or maybe it stopped.

He felt Dean's hands run over his back and smooth the hair off his face and the soft words followed. Sam wiped his mouth on his sleeve then looked up at Dean with unfocused eyes. He wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and allowed himself to be pulled onto his lap. He felt Dean's shaky hands run through Sam's messy brown hair as Sam sobbed.

"Doc it's gotta be a mistake, shit like that doesn't happen" Dean said through clenched teeth, but he knew he was lying, this, right here and right now was happening "let him do the urine sample."

"Of course" the doctor passed Dean a clear cup then excused himself from the room, saying he would be back soon.

Dean placed the cup on the bed then turned his attention to his broken brother "Hey, hey, shhh" he soothed while caressing Sam's hair "Baby look at me, come on just breathe."

"Dean" Sam sobbed, "Please… it… it can't be true… I d… don't want it to be true."

"I know kiddo" Dean said kissing Sam softly on the cheek "It'll be ok."

"H…how Dean?" Sam asked, his voice thick with emotion.

Dean didn't know what to say, what could he say? There were no words for this, God he'd been through some dark patches but this; this was so dark he could barely see. But it was Dean's job to fix Sam and he wasn't quitting now, not after all he'd already done for Sam. They'd come to far to sink back down now. "It will be" he said feebly "Just trust me… ok."

Sam nodded mutely, the tears cascading down. God would they ever stop?

"Look I'm gonna piss in the cup and then you and me are gonna get the hell outta here ok?"

Sam nodded once more "where are we going?"

"Bobby is at a motel in town, we'll go there then head back to his place and work this out."

"Ok" Sam sobbed.

Dean pressed a quick kiss to Sam's lips "I love you ok and I'm gonna make everything ok, I promise."

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean flung the door to the motel room open and lead Sam in. Bobby looked up from his book and rushed to meet the boys, he stopped short when he saw their faces, Sam's eyes were rimmed red from crying and his skin was a sickly white, Dean's eyes will filled with worry and his shoulders were sagging. Bobby's heart skipped a beat and he felt his breath hitch, something was wrong, really wrong. God Whatever this way they didn't deserve it, they'd been through too much to have their world fall back down.

"W… what's wrong?"

"Sam…" Dean took in a deep breath and he wished, he wished so hard he didn't have to say this "Sam's pregnant."

"What?" Bobby asked with a perplexed expression.

"T… the doctor said Sam's pregnant" Dean said, his voice thick with emotion "I covered it up though, I gave them a urine sample and we hightailed it but…yeah, Sam's pregnant."

"You gotta be kidding me, please tell me this is some stupid joke, _please_" Bobby was begging them for this to be a joke, no way, no God damn way did they deserve this.

"God I wish it was" Dean cleared his throat and blinked away the tears "but it's true…"

"What do we do?" Bobby asked, eyes going to Sam, who was now gasping for air "Sam."

Dean swivelled around just in time to catch Sam before he fell onto the floor. Sam's breath came in short pants and tears rolled down his cheeks, dripping onto the stained floor. "Sam, just breathe" Dean tried to sooth him but it was useless, Sam was breaking and he couldn't help him. "Pack our stuff Bobby" he said over his shoulder "we'll head back to your house and call Evan" he then turned his attention back to Sam. "Sam look at me, baby please… look at me."

"Why?" he sobbed uncontrolled.

"I don't know" Dean said pulling Sam into his arms so his head was buried in his chest "I just don't know."

**SNSNSNSN**

By midnight Sam and Dean were back at Bobby's, both snug in their queen-sized bed. Sam lay with his head resting on Dean's chest, his arms wrapped tightly over his own body, protecting him from the monsters the eye could not see. He felt Dean's shaky hand run up and down his arm and over his back and back up again. Usual Sam found peace in Dean's embrace but right now all he felt was fear and distress. He just wanted to close his eyes and open them to find a better day, a day where none of this had ever happened. But he'd wished, _he'd wished_ so hard for that for so God damn long and he's wish was not coming true.

He closed his eyes numerous amounts of times and had hoped to wake up and find that he had just had a bad dream, a really bad dream. But no matter how many times he closed his eyes he still woke up to this nightmare, _to this hell_. He'd been in a downward spiral ever since last year and no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard Dean tried, there was no way out. He was going down and down and down and there was no stopping him. There was no way to help him.

No way to save him.

"It'll be ok Sam" Dean said as though he heard Sam's thoughts "I know you're scared, cause I'm scared too but it will be ok, you'll see."

Sam didn't reply, he had no words, he had no hope. How would everything be ok when he… when he was pregnant? Knocked up by Cole, by the man who had viciously tortured and raped him. Would someone please tell him how being pregnant to a mad man was ok? Nothing was ok, not one single thing was ok!

"I know it seems rough but we'll be ok" Dean said it sounded like he was saying it just to convince himself because Sam knew, he knew damn well that nothing, _nothing _would be ok.

Sam was surprised Dean hadn't run yet, he'd left before, he'd been free. He should have stayed away, because Sam only brought misery to them, to him. Sam fought back tears, he wouldn't cry, no, no more tears. God if he were Dean he would have run, he would have never come back in the first place. He had been free of the darkness and he came back, what a mistake. God he came back and told Sam he loved him, but how could he love him now? How could have loved him in the first place? He was Cole's leftovers after all.

Cole's pregnant leftovers.

He felt the tears fall, coming down fast and heavier. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to sob into Dean's chest and look weak but he was breaking and he was breaking fast. He feels Dean pull him into his arms and snuggles into his brother and tries to hide from the world that so desperately wants to hurt him. He hears Dean's steady stream of words but they make little sense to him, they are just noises that mean nothing. But he calms down and soon they both succumb to sleep

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean stared out at Bobby's messy front lawn, his eyes traced every object that occupied the yard, he'd do anything to avoid dealing with his emotions. He'd do anything, _anything_ to change what had happened. But he'd been down this road so many Goddamn times and he couldn't change it, he couldn't fix it and he couldn't make it better. He just had to sit, _sit_ and watch as his little brother, his lover crumbled and he was helpless. God when he woke this morning he thought yesterday has just been a really bad fucked up dream but it was real, it was reality. It was happening whether he, _they_ wanted it to or not.

As he watched a car drive past he saw the people inside looking at him and he wondered what his life looked like to an out sided. Did he just look like a normal man enjoying a coffee or did he look like someone who had been through hell and dragged back out only to be thrown back in. Did anyone know, did anyone care that his brother had been abused and he'd been so pathetic that he couldn't have stopped it. Did they see a useless guy sitting on the veranda or did they just see a regular guy? Whatever they saw, whatever they thought. would never match the truth.

Because who in their right mind would guess that he was the brother of a man who had been tortured and raped numerous times and was now pregnant. Who would think that? Hell who would believe that? Who's idea was it to make this happen? Was someone actually doing this, did someone enjoy making everything ok only to rip it away? Why was it happening? Why to Sam, what did he do, God it wasn't fucking fair?

Just why.

Dean chewed at the inside of his lip and forced back the tears that had fallen so, _so_ many times. He let out a sob and the dam burst. He pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his head in his arms and cried. He cried for Sam, he cried because this wasn't fair, he cried because he was filled with sorrow and he cried because he was angry.

He cried because there was nothing left to hope for.

As he sobbed loudly he didn't hear the approaching footsteps. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see Sam smiling half-heartedly at him. Dean placed his legs back on the ground then pulled Sam into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Sam snuggled into Dean's chest and listened to his soft breathing. Dean gently ran his fingers through Sam's hair while kissing his temple. To any one passing by this would look like a happy couple but on the inside, they were broken.

**SNSNSNSN**

Numb.

Confused.

Scared.

All these emotions were running through Sam at full speed and he couldn't pull himself together long enough to make sense of it all, to make sense of what was happening. He just wanted one minute, just one fucking minute to figure out how he was feeling. He couldn't think straight, he couldn't see, he couldn't breathe. He felt like the darkness was strangling him, tightening more and more as the seconds ticked by. He just wanted to breathe. He just wanted to think and wrap his head around this. But he couldn't.

He was lost in the darkness.

And no matter what, no matter how hard he tried to think straight he couldn't. It just kept repeating itself, scared, numb, confused, fucked up. He was fucked up; his life was fucked up, hell everything was fucked right up. He just wanted to scream and run and never look back. He just wanted to forget all this was happening.

He wanted to start again.

But he'd tried to start again; he'd tried so God damn hard. He'd told himself he wouldn't let the darkness swallow him and that he'd move on, he'd start again. He had started again. When he kissed Dean he'd started a new life, he'd said goodbye to the darkness and welcomed the light and a new beginning. But his new start, his new life had been shattered; there was no chance of starting a new life. No matter what, God no matter what the darkness would follow him.

He felt tears sting his eyes but he wouldn't cry, because he had cried so much in the last year and he wouldn't cry anymore. He drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around them. He rested his head on arms and closed his eyes and imagined himself in a different life, a life with no darkness. A life where himself and Dean could be together and not have to worry about the demons that haunted them. They could be free of the darkness and they could be free of demons, the real and inner ones.

"Sam?"

Sam opened his eyes and looked up at Dean "Yeah?"

"Dinners nearly ready kiddo" Dean took a seat on the table before Sam and leant forwards to press a kiss to his lips but Sam turned his head and looked away. Dean felt a stab of rejection but he forced it away, Sam was upset right now and he didn't need Dean making out with him. "Are you ok?" _Dumb ass question Dean_, Dean scowled himself _as if he is gonna be o fucking kay_.

"I'm fine," he said bleakly.

"Now why don't I believe that?" Dean said without thinking.

"Because it's the truth" Sam said tersely.

"Sam you don't have to put on a brave face" Dean reached out to Sam but he pulled away "Please, _please_ talk to me."

"What do you want me to say Dean" Sam asked glaring at his brother.

"Anything."

"I don't know what to say" Sam shouted then his voice dropped to just above a whisper "I don't what to think… or what to feel I'm so confused and I'm scared… I'm really scared Dean."

Dean stood up and moved to sit next to Sam, cuddling in close so Sam could feel the comfort just by touch "I know you are and you have every right to be, hell I'm scared shitless but its gonna be ok."

"How Dean?"

"I don't know how but it will be" he pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips "it always is in the end."

"But what if there is no happy ending this time Dean?" he asked with tears of pure anguish in his eyes.

Dean didn't know what to say to that, what if this time there was no happy ending, what if there was no happily ever after. Was this the end? Would the light no longer shine for Sam and Dean? No, Dean couldn't believe that, this was not the end, he wouldn't let it be the end, no way in hell was he giving up. It would be a long and tiring journey but Dean would make damn sure that they got their happily ever after.

"We will Sam," he said smiling softly at him "we will."

And God he hoped he was right.

**Please leave a review :)**

**And I am sorry for the late up date, I haven't been the best but I'll try to update faster :) and a BIG thankyou to my beta :) **


	8. Chapter 7 Unfixable

**Chapter seven: Unfixable**

The world you knew has changed, the life you lived, the life you knew feels just like a memory, _a dream_. You've sunk down deep into the darkness and you try and you try to reach the light but you can't make it. There is no escaping the darkness. There is no escaping _this hell_. For four months you've carried around a child, a child that belongs to the monster that haunts your every waking moment and terrorizes your dreams. And you wonder how could you not know? How could you not see the changes in your body and how could you not feel the evil growing inside you? But is knowing worse then not knowing? You ponder that but it doesn't change the fact that you know and that you are pregnant with a monster's baby.

But knowing doesn't help you know why. Why is it so that you are forever doomed to stumble in the darkness while the world keeps turning and life keeps going? The darkness the haunts you is weighing you down and you seek the light, you long for it but you cannot quite escape. So you stay, hidden in the shadows.

You can see the people you love going about their lives and they glance at you with concern in their eyes and you know they pity you. They say they wish this never happened, _he_ says he'd change it if he could but he can't change what has already happened and he cannot fix the broken. You can try, _he_ can try but you are unfixable and it's too late to save you. Yet he tries. He offers words of comfort; words of hope and wisdom but you have sunk to far down to believe them. Why should you believe them? You believed them before and before that but it always ended the same, with you and tears and the world falling down around you.

When he said he'd make everything better he thought he could but you knew, _you know_, he couldn't, he can't. But you had believed it; hell you had made it out of the darkness only to be dragged back in. Then he said, he said 'I'll make it better' and he did but then he's words turned to lies and you slowly slipped through the cracks and back into the darkness.

But why should you linger in the shadows? You know you don't deserve to. You know you should have hope and see the other side of this not so good news. Being pregnant is meant to bring joy and happiness not pain and misery. It's meant to be great news and you can't wait to tell everyone but no, you don't want to tell, you don't want to be pregnant. It's not fair.

_It's not right._

Its not humanly possible for it to even be true and you hope it's just some fucked up mistake that can be righted, then everything will be okay again. _Right?_ God you know it's a lie, you know it's true, you knew, you thought it before you even found the truth. You'd thrown up every morning but you hid it, not wanting anyone to know but the thought crossed your mind and it made you so ill.

So why was it true?

Why did this have to happen? God damnit couldn't he just catch a fucking break, couldn't _they_ catch a break? Or was this, this thing growing in side Sam not evil, did it not wish to bring misery and was it just, just a _baby_. But how, _how_ the fuck could it just be a baby when it had a monster as a father, a monster that tore you apart. A monster that changed everything.

You caress your stomach and you think about it, you really think and maybe, _maybe_ it's not evil. After all you don't choose to be evil, its life that shapes you, the people around you and the things you know. Cole's life turned him into the monster he was, this baby, _your child_, would not walk the same path. You could change that, this baby, _your baby_ doesn't have to be evil. It could be good. It could bring you happiness, if you only let it.

But what happiness would a monster's child bring?

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean watched Sam from the corner of his eye; he stared down at his hands, black bags hung under his eyes. His hands trembled and his skin was a sickly white. Dean stared at Sam with despair in his eyes and he wished, he _wished_ so hard that this wasn't happening. Hadn't they been through enough, couldn't this just end? Why did bad things keep happening to Sam, was he cursed or something? Was someone actually doing this? God, he'd thought all this before, it just kept repeating itself but no matter what he thought this was still happening and nothing would change it.

They were both walking down a dark and dangerous road and it twisted in all sorts of directions and Dean didn't know which way to turn next. One wrong turn and this already dark day would become much worse. Dean glanced back at Sam, who was now staring off into space, a million miles away. Dean only hoped while Sam was zoning out, he was in a better place. But he also feared Sam would just zone out completely, locking himself inside. To say Dean was worried sick would be an understatement. He was beyond worried; he didn't know what to think or what to do.

He and Sam had shared a tender moment the morning before but the fear and darkness had crept back and pulled them both back under. Dean closed his eyes to hide the tears and took deep breaths, this was too much, they needed a break. They needed a _miracle_. But no one was weaving miracles for Sam and Dean; the only thing they got was bad news. But was it actually so bad?

Was this baby not a monster, Dean couldn't make himself believe it. Cole may have been a monster, a freak, but it wasn't breed in him, it was his life that made him who he was. And Sam, Sam was the kindest, sweetest person Dean knew, Sam was Dean's little brother, his lover and he knew, he _knew_ that Sam could raise this child and no matter who the father was it would be good and a kind soul like Sam.

"Sam… Dean."

Dean looked up and met the weary eyes of Doctor Evan Markovic "Hey doc" Dean said rising to his feet "it's so not nice to see you again."

"No it isn't," he said with a sigh "Bobby told me everything," he said in a whispered voice "I don't see how it's possible Dean."

"Nor do I but apparently it is" Dean said soberly.

Evan gave a solemn nod "Come on through boys."

Dean turned to Sam and offered him his hand, which he gradually took. They headed into the small office and took their seats; this was all too familiar, all to fresh. Evan studied both the boys, they looked like they had been dragged through hell and spat back out, but after what they went through, you might as well say that. He felt pity for these boys, they were so kind and good at heart and yet they had been through so much but they weren't giving up. He'd watched them come back twice already; they could do it a third time.

He wouldn't let them fall.

**SNSNSNSN**

Later that day found Sam and Dean by the river at their spot. The rushing stream and rustling leaves the only sound. The serene surrounding was welcoming and calming all at once. This place, this safe haven of theirs was perfect. It was where they could hide from their demons and worries and just take a few minutes to breathe. The sun seeped through the tress and cast pools of gold on the dirt ground and it looked truly amazing. It was truly beautiful here, the most perfect place for the broken. It made them both feel slightly human again, connecting them with the real world and taking them away from their hell.

Dean glanced at Sam, who was still silent and had yet to say a word since leaving the hospital. He slowly reached over to Sam and took his hand into his, Sam squeezed back but with little power. Dean lent in and pressed a soft kiss to Sam's temple but he pulled away and jumped up from the table and walked towards the stream. Dean followed immediately, running to Sam and stopping him from going any further.

He looked into Sam's eyes, he really looked and he saw all the pain and sorrow shining through the hazel. Sam wasn't himself at the moment, he was once again broken and Dean would once again have to fix him. He smiled half-heartedly at Sam then placed both hands on his cheeks, caressing them softly. He felt his stomach twist into knots as his worry escalated into fear, Sam was so broken what if he… what if he…? No way! Sam would never try and take his life again. _Right?_

But what about the life growing inside him? Would he try to take his babies life? He hadn't even looked at the ultrasound and he didn't even seem happy to know that the baby appeared to be healthy and growing strong. Sam obviously hated what was growing inside of him; Dean had seen him glaring at his stomach, glaring at it as though it were Cole himself. But it was not Cole; yes it was a part of him but not all of him.

"Talk to me Sam" Dean whispered.

"What do you want me to say?" Sam asked in a dry dead tone.

"Tell me how you feel?"

"I don't know how I feel Dean" Sam said, louder this time "all I know is I have a monster growing inside of me and I don't know what to do about it."

"It's not a monster Sam" Dean said smiling softly "It's human and I know… I know that this baby is a part of Cole but it's a part of you too kiddo, and you have a good heart."

"But it reminds me of him Dean" he sobbed "I don't want to remember him and I don't want his child, whether it's a part of me or not. It still feels evil, like he is in me and I can't get him out and I can't run from it Dean" he shouted with tears streaming down his face "I want to forget this Dean, I don't want to remember and I don't want a reminded of what happened," His voice dropped to a whisper "I just want to move on and try and salvage what is left of my life."

"Sam" Dean took Sam's hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles "I know you're scared, I do, and I can understand why but baby please, _please_ just think about this. Cole wasn't born evil; it was his life that made him who he was. He made himself a monster and" he placed a hand on Sam's stomach "This baby doesn't have to have that life, it doesn't have to be evil."

"Dean" Sam wiped angrily at his tears "I just don't know… I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to decide right now Sam" Dean pulled Sam into his arms as he wept, "I'm here Sam" he said softly "I'm always here."

**SNSNSNSN**

Sam stared down at his stomach, running his fingers tentatively over the small round bump. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath, tears seeping through his closed lids. He forces back a sob because Dean is in the other room and he doesn't want him to come running like he does every time Sam falls. It's time Sam catches himself. He has been relying on Dean for too long now and he must learn to stand his on his own, he must learn to be a Winchester again.

He was not to broken to be put back together but he had to do it himself, because only he could truly pull himself out of the darkness. He took a ragged breath and rolled over onto his side and drew his legs up to his chest. It was cold or maybe it was just him. The windows were closed and he was hidden beneath a blanket, hidden from the world. Yet he was cold.

He gritted his teeth to stop them from chattering as a cold chill ran up and down his spine. He felt his body start to tremble but for once it wasn't because he was crying. He pulled the blanket tighter around his body and drew his knees as close he could get with the small bump forming. His teeth began to chatter as the chills increased.

"Dean" he shouted in a hoarse voice.

In no more then five seconds Dean was by his side, hands resting on his forehead. "Sam you're burnin up."

"N…no I… I… I'm f… freezing" Sam whispered.

"Think you got a fever kiddo" Dean said with a weary smile "I'll get you to bed and run a bath to cool you down."

"No… no I'm cold."

"I know but you're boilin."

Sam mumbled something incoherent, which for some strange reason made Dean laugh. It kind of reminded him of the time Sam got a wound infected and he was spaced out on so many drugs Dean had lost count. But the whole situation had been hilarious; Sam had been seeing things and mumbling some very odd words and Dean's worry had been replaced with laughter. If only things were still the same, if only it was laughter that disturbed the silence of the night instead of cries of pain. They had changed so much, they had been broken, shattered into millions of pieces but time, _time_ had rebuilt them and in the wake of the horror something most amazing had risen.

Love.

_Forbidden love._

As Dean scooped Sam up into his arms he didn't care that he was going to hell for loving him, he didn't care that it was wrong because to him it was right. He loved Sam more then anyone in the whole world, it had always just been himself, Sam and the open road, the road that lead to this. Everything in their life, every moment, every event, led to this. Led to them. They had been to hell and back and yet, _yet_ they were not defeated, they were a little damaged, but not completely broken just not all together either.

Dean gently placed Sam on to the queen-sized bed and brushed away the sweaty bangs that were gluing themselves to Sam's forehead. His lips whispered over Sam's skin, kissing away the hurt and the sorrow. Kissing away the memories that were forever imprinted in Sam's mind. He felt his stomach churn at the memory of Sam, beaten and broken in the dark and dank basement. Dean couldn't hide a smile at how proud he was that Sam had pulled through in the end. Sam said Dean was his hero; well Sam was Dean's.

He felt Sam's forehead again, his brow furrowing in concern, Sam was boiling up. Fast. He made his way to the bath; the silence of the night was almost eerie as he walked through the empty house. Bobby was having dinner with some friends, he had told Dean he wasn't going to go but Dean had persuaded him to go and have some fun. The house seemed quiet without the extra occupant but then again the house always seemed to be silent, always hidden within the shadows.

Dean entered the bathroom and turned on the taps, filling up the large tub. He hated having to make Sam have a cold bath but it was the only way to get his temperature down. He left the taps running and walked back to the bedroom, the silence lifted by the sound of running water. He crossed the threshold and made a beeline to the bed. He once again scooped Sam up into his arms; he was still very under weight. He heard Sam moan and say something that sounded like 'I love you' and even if it wasn't it made Dean smile.

He placed Sam down gently on the floor when he entered the bathroom and started to remove Sam's many layers of clothing, something that started after his first encounter with Cole. Sam started to whimper, pushing Dean's hands away with little effort. "Shhh it's me Sam" he assured "I'm right here Baby, it's just me" Dean's steady stream of words slowly relaxed Sam, almost lulling him to sleep.

He lifted Sam up with little effort and placed him in the tub, a hiss escaped Sam's mouth as the cold water touched his body. Dean sent Sam a silent apology then splashed the icy water over his burning body. He felt Sam's skin cool down, the heat disappearing into the water. He smiled softly at Sam, who stared up at him with unfocused eyes. His lips curved up into a small smile and Dean couldn't help but chuckle, Sam had been through so much and yet he was still himself.

Just a little broken.

"C… Cooold" Sam murmured.

"Just a few more minutes bub" Dean said splashing some water over Sam's hair, dampening but not soaking it. A few minutes later Dean lifted Sam out of the tub and carried him back to the room, the towel wrapped snugly around his body. He placed Sam carefully on the bed then redressed him a pair of boxers only. Sam groaned in protest, not wanting to be so exposed to the world but Dean couldn't give Sam what he wanted. He placed Sam under a thin sheet then stripped off and climbed in beside him pulling him into his arms.

Sam snuggled close to Dean, seeking the warmth that radiated from Dean's body. Dean pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips, tasting the sweetness that was Sam, the sweetness that was his life. They shared a loving smile then the darkness claimed them but this time it was welcome.

**I'd like to thank everyone again for voting :) and for reviewing and reading I hope you enjoy the rest of the story :) **


	9. Chapter 8 No going Back

**Chapter eight: No going Back **

Sam stars up at the star filled sky; the breeze gently brushes over his cheeks and ruffles his hair. He pulls the blanket tighter against his fevered body and lets out a long sigh. He remembers the nights where he and Dean stared up at the stars for hours on end, it seemed so long ago, his memories of those nights were damaged, _faded_. He could remember staring at the stars and wondering what it would feel like to be amongst them, to touch them, memories of an innocent and undamaged child. Now as he stared up at the starlit sky all he wondered was what tomorrow would bring, would it deliver more pain or would happiness finally find him? _Find them?_

He shivered in the breeze and ground his teeth together so they wouldn't chatter. He wasn't meant to be sitting out in the chilly night, he was meant to be in bed resting. He felt like a child suddenly, being ordered around by his big brother, being protected by his big brother. But at the end of the day it was Dean's job to do those things, Sam had just hoped that them being in a relationship would have changed some things. He had hoped Dean would ease up, maybe back off and be a partner more then a brother. But no matter what, Dean was Sam's big brother and he was his lover and Sam would just have to put up with his orders.

"Sam."

Sam looked over at Dean; he was standing in front of the screen door with his arms folded "You found me" Sam mused dryly.

"I didn't know we were playin hide and seek" Dean took three strides and he was by Sam, kneeling down next to the chair "You ok?"

"Never better" he said sarcastically.

"Do you need anything?"

"Dean I'm fine" he said hoarsely "I don't need baby sitting."

"Just takin care of you bub" Dean pressed a soft kiss to Sam's lips "You look better" he said smiling warmly "Been a rough week."

"I have the flu, it's not exactly life threatening Dean."

"The flu isn't the cause of this being a rough week Sam" he scowled at his stubborn little brother.

"Oh you mean the whole being pregnant with my rapist baby thing" he scoffed "Yeah, it's been rough."

"Why are you doing this?" Dean asked, hurt lacing his voice and anguish in his eyes.

"Doing what?" Sam said, swallowing to clear the lump that had formed in his throat.

"Pretending everything's ok?" he demanded "acting like a jerk and trying to make out that nothing is bothering you when I can see how hurt you really are. I can you read you like a book _Samuel_ and something is eating away at you and I want you to talk to me," he took a deep breath. "Please."

Sam blinked away the tears "I'm sorry" he looked away, "I'm just sick of making you suffer with me and I was hoping that if I just forgot about it, it'd all go away."

"You can't forget this Sam" Dean stood and moved to sit on the opposite chair "You can't just turn the other cheek and think that everything will just disappear. You're pregnant Sam and I know you're scared but you have to deal with it, you have to face it but you don't have to face it alone" he took Sam's hand in his own "we can face it together."

"I'm scared to face it Dean" Sam forced away the tears "It's not even possible and here I am, knocked up and I don't know why and how and it scares me. So forgetting is less scary then knowing."

"I know Sam, believe me I know" Dean cupped Sam's chin in the crook of his fingers "But you, _we_ have to face this, and we are both scared as hell but whether we like it or not we have to deal with this, there is no going back" he smiled half-heartedly at Sam "we are in this together baby."

**SNSNSNSN**

The morning sun flittered through the curtains, casting an orange glow over the figures that occupied the queen-sized bed. The bright light chased away the shadows, _the darkness_, allowing the brothers to share one trouble free moment. As they gaze longing into each other's eyes the light they so desperately seek is visible, at least for the moment.

Dean's lips are pressed firmly against Sam's, moving in time with his. Their hands are entwined, bodies pressed close together and hearts beating as one. Dean's lips move over Sam's neck, tracing the scars made by the monster that changed everything. He moved Sam's hands to his lips and kissed the scars that Sam had inflicted on himself when he had lost sight of hope.

Dean's lips travelled down Sam's body, kissing and nibbling at the soft skin on his stomach. He let his hands roam Sam's chest, becoming familiar with his body, memorising it. Dean felt his body's desire growing, he ran his hands softly over Sam's swollen stomach then up his inner thighs, he felt Sam shudder, making his growing erection ache.

Without much thought, Dean's fingers lopped in Sam's sweat pants and he started to pull them down. He felt Sam push his hands away and he jumped away from him. Dean looked up to see Sam huddled up at the head of the bed, fear visible in his tear filled eyes. Dean felt his heart skip a beat, God he was such a fool. He had rushed, gone straight for it without thinking of Sam, he wasn't ready for this. God he wasn't ready.

"Sam I'm sorry" Dean didn't move but the words thumbed from his mouth "God I'm so sorry kiddo, I wasn't thinking. I'm so, so sorry baby."

"It's ok" Sam said swatting away the tears, why, God why did he keep crying?

"I rushed, I'm sorry."

"It's ok" Sam looked away, God why did he cry?

Dean chewed at his lips, his heart drumming in his ears; he'd fucked up, God he'd fucked up. He should have stopped, he should have thought, he should have _stopped_. God, he was a bad as Cole, he was, he was, _he was_. He was a monster and all he wanted was to use Sam's body for his own pleasure. He should have never come back, he should have been killed, he shouldn't be here. He was only going to hurt Sam, he would break him. "I'm sorry Sam" Dean stood up and left the room without another word.

As he walked towards the stairs, he heard Sam call out to him but he didn't look back, he just kept walking. If only he knew what was to happen next. He would have stopped. As he neared the stairs he felt Sam's hand wrap around his wrist, he turned to face his baby brother, tears streaked down his face. He could see the pleading look in Sam's eyes, begging for him not to leave, never to leave.

"I have to Sam" he went to pull free but Sam gripped his wrist tighter "Sam let me go" he said composed.

"I can't Dean."

"Sam let go" he pulled his hand free in a swift movement and then everything stopped. Sam fell backwards so fast Dean didn't have to time to catch him, didn't even have time to try. He watched his little brother fall down the stairs, helpless to save him. Every thud made his stomach churn and his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. He was still frozen when Sam stopped falling; he was still frozen when Bobby rushed to Sam's aid. He stumbled backwards and collapsed to the ground and everything went dark.

**SNSNSNSN**

When Sam came too he didn't even need to survey his surroundings to know where he was. It was a hospital. The noises and the smell had given him the knowledge of where he was before he even opened his eyes. He found himself once again faced with the white walls that seemed imprinted in his mind along side the memories of being abused. This hospital held too many memories for Sam, all he wanted to do was get out and run. But his pounding head and aching body wouldn't allow him. It seemed that every time he closed his eyes white walls awaited him.

But why was here again? He couldn't remember. He remembered being at Bobby's, being with Dean, no Dean was gone, he had left and Sam went searching for him. He's car had broken down and he'd walked then passed out and he'd woken up here. But why did his body hurt so much? He didn't remember falling. He looked down and saw that his right hand was in a cast, the hand Cole had burnt and destroyed. But Dean and Missouri had healed his hand, with a spell. A spell had erased all signs of damage, if only his haunting memories could be so easily erased.

Sam felt pain run through his body, he could feel his head pounding and he felt like he had fallen. He had fallen. Dean had found him, he had been with Dean, they had been together, they had been happy. _For a moment_. Someone brought news, a doctor, a doctor had come and said… said Sam was pregnant… with Cole's child.

Sam's memory came flooding back. Images danced behind his eyes, images of Dean, Dean and himself on the bed, kissing, cuddling. Images of a fight, an argument. Dean was going to leave; Dean had got up and was going to leave again. But why? Why was Sam here? Why did his body ach so much? Slowly the rest formed, putting together the broken puzzle.

"Let me go Sam" Dean had ordered

"I can't Dean."

"Sam let go."

That's when it happened, that's when he fell, that's when everything went dark. He felt the panic lacing around him, strickening his breathing and quickening his heart. Where was Dean? Had he left? Did he blame himself for the fall? It wasn't his fault, God it wasn't. Another thought emerged: the baby. Was it ok? Was it hurt? Oh God. His good hand went to his stomach, feeling the small round bump; it felt the same but was it ok? He felt tears burn his eyes and a sob escaped followed by a tremble running through his body.

"Dean!!" Sam shouted, his voice echoing around the room "Dean!" his voice was scratchy and hoarse as he yelled for his brother, sobs wracking his body. The door opened and Evan walked in, moving towards Sam in three small strides. He placed both hands on Sam's shoulders, offering words of comfort that Sam didn't hear. All he heard was the ringing in his ears.

"Sam" Evan called out to him "Sam calm down."

"Dean" he sobbed, his voice broken.

"Calm down Sam."

"Where's Dean?" he asked once Evan's voice pierced through his muddled mind. God where was Dean? Had he left? Gone for good this time? He hadn't come when Sam had shouted for him; he didn't hear his cries and he wasn't comforting him. He was not here. "He left" Sam sobbed "I didn't want him to leave… tell him not to leave… I'm sorry" Sam's voice rose, blocking out the soft words of Evan and the world around him. "I want him to come back, I don't want him to leave, don't make him leave."

"Sam please calm down" Evan was begging now, desperate to calm Sam "Dean hasn't left Sam, his outside with Bobby, he is here Sam."

_He is not here._

Sam's tortured mind turned Evan's words into lies, twisting them and turning them until they made no sense. The words were jumbled together, the room started to spin and the white walls blurred together with the furniture, creating a whirlpool of colours and swirls. The edge of his vision started to fade, the darkness was creeping back. He was lost, stuck forever in the dark haunting memories of his past, forever tainted and forever forgotten. As the darkness closed in and the world around him became oblivious one thing stood out, one voice.

The voice that he could always hear, no matter where he was.

The darkness was being ripped away and the deafening silence was disappearing, words becoming untangled and objects unmangled. His vision returned to normal and when the room stopped spinning he saw the face that chased away the shadows and brought the light. "Dean" he whispered "Don't leave me…_please_."

"Never Sam" he said softly "I'm sorry kiddo, I'm _so_ sorry."

Sam pulled Dean into his arms, burying his face in his chest "Don't be, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is," he said pulling Sam back so he could look at him "I tried to hurt you."

"You didn't" Sam said composed "you didn't know, not your fault, not your fault" he rambled incoherently "just don't leave me… never leave me."

"Sam… shhhh" Dean soothed "I'm not leaving baby, never leaving."

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean stared out the hospital window, the moon glistening in his green eyes. He let out a long sigh and turned around to face Sam, he was sound asleep, the blankets pulled close to his body and head barely visible. Dean felt his stomach twist into knots and his heart lurch into his throat. For the first time in a while Dean stared at Sam, at his brother and everything came crashing down. This, _this_ was wrong, him, Sam, _together_ it was wrong oh God it was wrong, oh God. This shouldn't be happening, he shouldn't feel this way, he was Sam's brother, the guy who'd taught him to walk, to shot a gun, he'd been there for Sam's first hunt, Sam's first kill.

Dean swallowed the dry lump in his throat; he'd been there for Sam's first hunt, his first kill? God, he, _they_ were so screwed. Dean should have taught Sam to ride a bike not to shot a fucking gun. He'd stuffed up Sam's childhood and now he was stuffing up again, he was in a relationship with his little brother, who he loved, God he loved him but it wasn't right. He was fucking with Sam, with himself, with everyone and everything. God he was screwing up, he was supposed to look after Sam, what he, they, were doing was wrong, fucked to hell and back but he never wanted something so much.

As he watched Sam move in his sleep he couldn't help but feel the jolt of joy run through his body. For a fleeting moment, one fleeting moment everything seemed perfect. Sam seemed perfect; basking in the moonlight and looking, _being_, Dean's perfect lover, perfect soul mate. For that one moment Dean truly felt like he belonged in the world. His whole life he had felt like a soldier, only here to do as he was told and that was it. He didn't get love, he didn't feel it and once he said he didn't need it, but now, _now_ he needed it, he needed Sam.

Sam made him feel human.

He made him feel like he belonged but them, together, couldn't work. This, right here, right now was proof of it, one wrong move and Sam had crumbled and Dean had run. He'd thought he'd hurt Sam when he came on too strong, no; he hurt Sam when he pushed him down the stairs and he just stood there.

Watching.

Helpless.

He blacked out after that, losing it completely, unable to deal with what he had done. He'd hurt Sam, God he'd fucked up again, why couldn't he do anything right? Why did horrible things keep happening? Why couldn't they just have a break, they deserved it. No more pit stops, no more bad news and no, God no more trips to the freaking hospital. All Dean wanted was for everything to be ok again but hey nothing was ok because nothings ok when you're in love with your brothers who's pregnant to the man who tortured and raped him.

So yeah nothing was ok, nothing was even close to ok. Ok was hunting demons and all things nasty and Dean having one night stands and Sam being a computer geek and them getting into trouble and being tossed around a room by a pissed off spirit. Where Dean stood, were Sam lay, were they were, was not ok. It wasn't meant to be like this, he wasn't meant to be like, they weren't meant to be like this. They should be hunting, being brothers, not lovers.

How could they go back though? Too much had changed and there was no going back, only going forwards. Dean sat down on the chair next to Sam's bed, his legs had grown heavy and he grew weary at the thought of what was a head. Sam raising his rapist baby, Dean trying to be a father, a brother, a lover. God how could he do all that? He was sucking as a brother enough as it was, let alone being the perfect boyfriend and stepfather. Dean cringed at the thought, how could he help Sam raise Cole's child, yet he'd been the one spinning the speech about it not being evil.

But it didn't seem right, to have this… this baby that would forever remind Sam of his torment and darkest days. Then again, Sam would never forget, never truly be free of his hideous past. But there was no going back now, only going forwards. What was said, what was done, it was there forever, there was no changing it, no altering it. It was done.

Dean took Sam's hand into his own and smiled softly, he lent forwards and brushed his lips over Sam's, feeling the fire linger on his lips long after he'd pulled away. What they were doing may have been wrong and it may have lead to this but Dean truly loved Sam and Sam truly loved Dean. So for once in their lives, no matter how wrong or how fucked up it was, Dean and Sam would forever be lovers.

There was no going back now…

_Only forwards._

**Please, please review :) and I will have an update up after Christmas and I wish all my lovely readers a _Very Supernatural Christmas_ :)**


	10. Chapter 9 Carry me Through

**Chapter nine: Carry me Through**

Morning came; light illuminated the small hospital room and Dean's eyes fluttered open. He sat up, stretching his back and yawning loudly, he'd slept on the chair next to the bed with his head resting on Sam's pillow and that was not good for the back. He looked down at Sam and he flinched when he saw the bruises that marred his features, the bruises he caused. He looked away, ashamed of himself for letting this happen, God he was meant to look after Sam not fucking push him down a flight of stairs. He was meant to be the one who protected him, he was always there but right now Dean felt like he was never there for Sam, though he never left him.

Maybe it all came down to what they were doing, what he had let happen. He'd let his secret out, told Sam he loved him, his own brother, he loved his fucking brother and those words he longed to say had screwed everything up. He'd thought about this last night, he'd already told himself that this was wrong but when he looked at Sam, he couldn't even try and hide his feelings. He was feeling guilty for what happened yesterday and it felt like all he felt for the last year and half was guilt. Guilt for selling his soul, guilt for letting Cole take Sam and guilty for every _little thing_ that went wrong.

Because whenever something happened to Sam, it was Dean's fault, always his fucking fault. When Sam was five he fell from a tree because Dean wasn't watching, he took Sam away from Jessica and she died and Sam was forced to return to the life he wanted so badly to leave behind. He was guilty for that, hell he was guilty for everything. He'd ruined Sam's life, he'd taken him away from the life he wanted so much and thrown him back in the life that brought pain, fear and misery. And hey, if he never came and got Sam from college maybe this would have never happened, Sam could be home with Jess, being a big shot lawyer and living a safe life.

But no, he was lying in a hospital bed for what felt like the millionth time and Dean was just sitting here trying to figure out what could have been. But what could have been will never be. Because they had been dragged through hell, spat back out then dragged back through again and along the way something had happened and now Dean loved Sam and Sam loved Dean and it was all very wrong and so, _so_ screwed to hell. But no matter what Dean thought or did, he couldn't change this. _This,_ right here right now was all too real and like he thought last night there was no going back and there was no making it better.

Dean couldn't change what had happened yesterday and he couldn't change what had happened to Sam but he could make it better. He just wished he could make up his mind about it. Every time he told himself that he and Sam would be ok, that it was ok that they loved each other something bad happened. Ok, so only one bad thing had happened since they admitted to their true feelings but would more bad follow? Or was Dean overreacting, thinking way too fucking hard and ruining the best thing he ever had. You weren't meant to love your own brother but in this twisted nightmare of a life it was the best thing Dean had ever felt and he had to stop thinking that it would lead to more pain.

Yesterday had been a mistake and Dean would not make that mistake again because now he knew not to rush. But could he control himself, was he as bad as Cole, did he know what he would become? That's what scared Dean the most, that's what kept his thoughts repeating and he asked himself again and again should he and Sam stay in this relationship. But as he thought of it, he knew, God he knew he couldn't do it. He'd said goodbye before he went crazy, completely fucking loopy and it broke his heart to be away from Sam, his baby brother, his true love.

And that once again lead to the thought that he shouldn't love his brother, you're not meant to be _in love_ with your brother. It was wrong and fucked but so were their lives, God their lives were fucked from the beginning so why should it change now? They were screwed in the head and they were lonely and if this made them happy then why shouldn't they be happy? Why did _this_ have to happen? Why was Dean given one more reason to think that someone was out to get them?

His thoughts came to an end when Sam spoke his name, his voice hoarse and his eyes unfocused but their was a smile on his face and it made this horrible mess seem so much better. It made Dean not care and that him loving Sam was wrong and he'd go to hell for it but they had already been to hell and back so if he were going there again he'd at least enjoy the ride. As twisted as it was.

"Can we go home?" Sam asked and he always asked could they go home when he woke up but it was silly, they had no home but maybe Sam just meant something else, maybe Sam's idea of a home was anywhere he and Dean were safe.

"Evan will be here at nine o'clock" he replied, his voice as hoarse as Sam's "You sleep ok?"

"I guess" Sam said looking around the room then back at Dean "don't ever leave me."

Dean swallowed the dry lump in his throat, he felt like such an ass, all morning and all of last night, he'd thought of leaving but if he did, God if he did Sam would break. He couldn't let Sam break, he couldn't hurt Sam anymore and the worst possible way to hurt Sam would be to leave him. "I'll never leave you Sam" and he wouldn't, this relationship would have its ups and downs but he would never turn his back. "I have to admit I thought of it" he looked away, unable to look at Sam's hurt expression.

"I thought if I left you… you would be safe… I thought I hurt you yesterday… I came on too strong and… I'm scared… I'm _so_ scared I'll be like Cole." Dean let his emotions out, laid them on the freaking table like a deck of cards and the words just followed out. "He said I'd be like him… said I'd hurt you and I did" Sam went to interrupted but Dean silenced him. "I know you're gonna say it wasn't my fault but it was Sam, I came on too strong I got up to leave and I am the reason you fell" he looked back at Sam now, he was staring at him with tears in his eyes "I just want to look after you baby and I keep hurting you and I love you, I love you more then the world but if…I… if I ever do something wrong or you want to leave" Sam went to interrupted again but Dean shh'd him "promise me you'll speak up and say what you want, ok."

"Dean-"

"-Promise me Sam."

"I promise" he said half-heartily "But you are not like Cole" Sam sat up and took Dean's hand "Cole told me things…lies, pure lies and I knew it but I believed him and that's what he did best but they are just lies" Sam sounded so strong and Dean felt proud, _so proud_. "He made me do things and said horrible things to me but none of its true and I know that now…" he kissed Dean's hand "and you have to know that you are… will never be anything like Cole. No matter what he said or what anyone says I know you better then anyone else in the world Dean and you're nothing like him and you will never be… because I love you and no one ever loved Cole."

No body ever loved Cole, that's what made him the sick twisted fuck he was. Dean would feel sorry for him if he hadn't raped his brothers numerous times but it made him feel relief. Because Dean may have been a little fucked in the head but he knew he was loved, not by many but all that mattered was that Sam loved him and if he were the only one who did, it would be ok, because as long as Sam loved him, he would be fine.

**SNSNSNSN **

Later the following day Sam sat staring at the grey sky from the window seat, they had arrived home from the Hospital half an hour ago. Doctor Evan Markovic said Sam appeared to be fine and it was best to get him out before anyone found out he was pregnant. Because that would be a little hard to explain. It was still so hard to understand. Sam sat with his hands resting on his rounding stomach but he still didn't know what to make of this, it was supposed to be impossible for a man to be pregnant and yet he was and it scared him beyond words.

What if this child was just like Cole? He couldn't stand the thought, he couldn't even bare to have Cole's child growing inside of him. He wished, and it was a selfish wish, that the baby had died in the fall. It was the worst thing anyone could wish but he didn't really know what to think. He felt like he had evil growing inside of him, pure evil. But that was not possible; Cole was not a demon, just an escaped soul from hell whom had always been a sick twisted fuck. It didn't mean his child would be evil too, after all, Sam was good and so was Dean.

Sam knew Cole, he didn't want to, God he didn't want to, but Cole had told Sam everything. He told him that his Mother had never wanted him that his Father would beat him and that his much older brother would rape him and in the end he had cracked. Sam shivered as he remembered the words Cole whispered to him. 'I killed them all' is what he said with a menacing laugh. Then after he had murdered his parents and older brother he started his murdering spree. At first he picked the people who made fun of him. Those who called him a liar, a loser and that he was unloved.

He drugged them each night and used their body for a punching bag and his own pleasure. He did that for a month then he'd kill them and move onto his next victim. He killed and killed until he was arrested then sentence to death but he never really died, he still clung to life. It was years until he gained enough strength to kill again and Sam and Dean just happened to pick that case.

Sam picked that case and it lead to this.

He looked down at his stomach but this time he did not cringe, he remember Cole's words, too clearly for his liking, but Cole was not born evil, he was made evil. An abusive and unloving family turned him into the killer, _the monster,_ he was but it didn't mean his child would be the same. Sam could raise it to be a kind and loving person. He could raise it to be like Dean, strong, caring and full of life. But could he look at his child and not be reminded of Cole, would he not be able to ever fully love it because of who its father was?

Sam was just so confused; he didn't know what to think. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, his head was pounding and his body ached from the fall and he didn't want to think about it right now. He just wanted to go somewhere where he didn't have to feel or think. He let his mind wander, he let it take him back to his childhood, he had once been unburdened, he once knew nothing of the supernatural and nothing of pain. He was free then, never had to worry that maybe someone would hurt him.

He'd been so carefree and innocent. He remembered the days (the better days of his not so wonderful childhood) where he had Dean would muck around and laugh. He hadn't laughed in so long, he didn't even remember what laughter felt like, what was it like to be truly happy? To know no fear, to be unburdened. He would never feel that again. He would feel fear for the rest of his life, it would get easier but he would never be able to escape it, just avoid it. _Hopefully._

Sam opened his eyes and sighed once more, he'd tried to think of better days yet he ended up thinking of his darkest ones. He just wanted to be free of the darkness but would he ever get his wish? He'd wandered about this so many times and yet so far he could never really find happiness, he'd get a taste of it only to be pulled back into the darkness. Sam had to fight for it though, he had to fight for a better future, he had to try and move on from what had happened. He had to stop walking down this dark path and step out into the light. Only he could truly save himself from the darkness.

Sam went to stand up; he'd been sitting for too long, when a sharp pain shot through his stomach. He cried out and fell to his knees, clutching at his stomach and breathing deeply through the pain. He went to call out for Dean but he was already by his side, his worried eyes glued to Sam's pain filled ones. Sam tried to tell Dean what was happening but the pain was so great he couldn't talk, tears made themselves known and he could see Dean start to panic. He helped Sam back to his feet and they staggered towards the bed.

Sam collapsed onto the bed and curled into a small ball. He felt Dean's hands running over his body, frantically trying to comfort him. All Sam felt was the sharp ache in his stomach; Dean's soft touch wasn't even noticeable. Sam gritted his teeth and tried to breathe through the pain but it was unbearable. He knew what was happening though, he didn't know how but he could feel it, he was losing the baby. He felt scared and part of him wanted all this to stop but the selfish part felt relief.

"Sam you're bleeding!" Dean exclaimed "We gotta get you back to the hospital."

"No" Sam wheezed through the pain "Can't… they'll know."

"Know?" Dean felt his heart lunch into his throat, this all made sense now, Sam was losing the baby "I'll get Evan to come here, ok?"

Sam nodded, not really hearing Dean's words; he was too lost in the pain. He felt the darkness start to creep in; though he would welcome this darkness, it would take him away from the pain. He took one more ragged breath then the darkness consumed him, taking him away from everything for the time being.

**SNSNSNSN **

When Sam came too the first thing he saw was Dean pacing at the foot of the bed, the next thing he noticed was the drip stand beside the head of the bed. He felt groggy, like he'd been asleep for ages and his memory of what happened was unclear. He closed his eyes and took shallow breaths to try and calm his breathing. It felt like the room was spinning and all he wanted was for it to stop so he could just think and remember what had happened. He let his thoughts drift back to earlier that day, he was at the hospital, he'd had a fall but he wasn't there now. He was at Bobby's.

He'd been sitting at the window, _thinking_, thinking about what Cole had said and thinking about… how his child may not be evil. He felt a dull ache in his stomach and the world suddenly stopped spinning. Bile rose up into his throat, he sat up, emptying his stomach into a bucket that had been placed by the side of the bed. He felt soft hands on his shoulders, familiar words were whispered into his ear but it did little to ease his pain. He'd thought his baby a monster, thought it were evil and he'd killed it.

"Hey Sam" he heard Dean say "Baby its ok, I'm here."

"Baby" he whispered "where?"

"Shhhh Sam" Dean carefully wrapped his arms around Sam and he was pulled into Dean's loving embrace.

"Dean, is it ok?"

Dean pulled back, brushing away the stray strands of hair that clung to Sam's face "Sam… I'm sorry" Dean closed his eyes "I'm _so_ sorry."

Sam closed his eyes to hide the tears and forced back the sobs that were trying to escape. This was his fault, he'd killed the baby, he'd wished he didn't have it and he's wish came true. He felt the guilt lace around him, pulling him down into the dark. He'd been so scared of having this baby that he'd thought such horrible things and wished it gone, well now it was.

"Sam it's not your fault" Dean spoke gently, as though he were reading his thoughts. "Don't blame yourself."

"What happened" Sam asked bleakly, ignoring Dean's words.

Dean sighed heavily "Evan came here after you passed out and he did an ultrasound and… and there was no heart beat…" Dean looked away, biting his lip "Evan somehow managed to pull off some miracle" Dean immediately regretted his choice of words, there was no miracle, no one was weaving magic and making miracles happen, Evan just managed to get everything he needed for the operation. "Evan managed to get all the stuff he needed and he-"

"Got rid of my baby?!"

"Sam…" Dean looked back at Sam, tears clouding his vision "It was already gone… he didn't kill it, you didn't kill it, it was just gone."

"Gone…" Sam breathed.

"Hey I know how you feel-"

"-You have no idea how I feel," Sam shouted, ignoring the pain in his stomach "you can't say you know how I feel and you can't pretend that everything will be ok when ever since Cole nothing is ok! We keep trying to move on from what happened but we keep going around in circles and we always end up in the same place" he paused to take a breath "we end up back in the dark."

"This isn't just about losing the baby is it Sam?" Dean asked carefully.

Sam closed his eyes and turned his face away "no… no its not."

"Then talk to me Sam" Dean cupped Sam's chin in the crock of his fingers and brought his lips to Sam and a short kiss "I'm always here to listen."

Sam opened his eyes and allowed the tears to fall "I'm scared" he swallowed the dry lump in his throat "I'm scared of happenings."

It was Dean's turn to look away and force down the forming lump in his throat "I know that bad things keep happening but it wont be this way forever."

"Oh really?" Sam demanded "then why is it after last year when everything was better again that Cole came back and everything went to hell! Then things would get a little better only for it to all go bad again" he choked on a sob "then when I think I can finally find the light I start having feelings for you and everything is once again crashing down-"

"-Wait? Are you saying your feelings for me are a bad thing?" Dean was looking at Sam again, an unreadable mask on his face.

"No, Dean… I'm not" Sam sighed heavily "I just…"

"You just what Sam?!" Dean demanded, hurt and fury in his eyes.

"I just don't think I'm ready for this right now" he looked away to hide the tears "I'm not ready to have everything crash down again."

"Is that what you think will happen?" Dean asked softly "that we'll be happy and everything will just come crashing down?"

Sam stayed silent, his thoughts running through his head like a train. He didn't want to hurt Dean, hell he loved Dean more then anything but he was afraid of that. Because love lead to happiness and happiness lead to misery and Sam couldn't take it anymore. Every time he was happy something horrible would happen, like losing the baby or Cole finding him again, and everything would just go to hell. He'd tasted happiness, he'd had it for a while but in the end the darkness would come looking for him and it would find him. But what was he to do? Stay the way he was right now forever? Be unhappy, not miserable just unhappy and avoid all pain and suffering.

Seemed a poor choice but he couldn't stand to have happiness then have it all taken away again. The other morning when he was in Dean's arms and their lips were pressed firmly together he thought he'd be ok, that _they'd_ be ok. But he'd been stupid, he panicked when Dean went too far and he'd made Dean want to leave and he'd got up and ran after him and he'd fallen. Dean was right there, why didn't he catch him? He let Sam fall; he'd let Sam kill the baby.

"Sam?"

Sam looked up to meet Dean's eyes "I can never be happy again."

"Sam don't say that" Dean protested, "You can be, _we_ can be."

"Maybe for a little while but it will all go away in the end."

"Sam… no, it won't" Dean tried to assure but he didn't know if he believed it himself "It won't this time ok, it won't." He had to believe it.

"It always does!" Sam roared "Every God damn time we find happiness it goes away!"

"I know it seems like it does and ok so maybe lately when things start to get better something else happens and we're back to fucking square one but… maybe… _maybe _it's because we really haven't found happiness yet Sam." Dean took Sam's hands into his own "we've been trying to move on from what happened and then something kept reminding you of Cole and other horrible things happened but there's not going to be anymore bad things…" he swallowed hard while choosing his words wisely "there's nothing left to remind you of Cole."

Sam looked down at his stomach and he felt the tears sting his eyes but Dean's words echoed in his mind. _Nothing left to remind him of Cole_, well that was a lie. He still had the scares and the memories and the nightmares but no actual real reminder. That is what the baby would have been, a real reminder of Cole and maybe, _just maybe_ he was meant to lose this baby. It seemed a horrible thing to think but how could Sam really move on with the constant reminder of Cole. Maybe someone was looking after them, they sure won't doing the best of jobs but just maybe someone did care and someone made this happen.

Sam lifted his shirt to reveal the dark red scare that wouldn't remind him of what he lost but what he gained. He looked up and stared at Dean and a soft smile graced his face. It was sad to lose the baby and it was sad to know he would never get to know him or her but in the sadness he saw hope. Because he couldn't move on while raising Cole's child and this, _this _was not a bad thing. He had lost his child but he gained hope.

He saw a flicker of the brighter days ahead.

**I'm so sorry for the LATE update, my computer got sick but all is good now, so enjoy the update and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year :) **


	11. Chapter 10 Coming Out Strong

**Chapter ten: Coming out Strong**

**I remember the dark, I remember his voice; it haunts my dreams, _my life_. I open my eyes and I find myself in the dark and dank basement, there is a small amount of light seeping through the window but it doesn't last long and soon I am surrounded by darkness. I fight sleep off, I can't let my guard down, not that it matters, he hurts me anyway. I can't escape him, I can't escape the pain and I can't keep fighting, I can feel myself giving up. I'm losing hope that Dean will come for me. I close my eyes and I imagine he comes busting through that door and I am saved, but it never happens. So I stay here in the darkness and I wait and I pray for him to come.**

Sam drops the pen to the page, tears make themselves known but he blinks them away and takes a deep breath to calm himself down. He has to be able to remember without crying, he has to be strong, for Dean, _for himself_. He has to fight away the tears and he has to chase away the fear and start all over again. It would take time to heal but he couldn't stay in the dark any longer, he had to fight for the better days and he had to believe he could find the light. He would_, he could fight for it_.

**The day he did come I didn't know if I was dreaming, seeing things or I had died. I remember the first thing I saw was Tristan, he was whimpering and I could see the anguish in his eyes and you're not supposed to be able to see actual pain in a dogs eyes but I could see it as clear as anything. Then I heard "Sammy" and it made me shiver because, _because_ he said it but the voice did not belong to him. It was Dean. I could hear relief in his tone but fear and panic was there as well.**

**I felt Tristan being pulled away and then I see… _I see_ Dean. But Cole had said he wouldn't come, said he hated me, loathed me and I was afraid I was only seeing what my mind wanted me to see. But then I was in his arms 'Hold on Sammy, I'm here now, you're safe,' he whispered to me and I wanted so badly to believe it. I don't remember much after that but I do remember waking up with the familiar roar and rumble of the Impala and I looked up and I saw Dean, I knew I could be dreaming, _imagining_ that he was here but a voice told me I was safe and I let myself fall back into unconscious.**

"Sam?"

Sam jumped then looked up, silently cursing at his stupidity, for God's Sake it was just Dean, _just Dean_.

"Hey sorry" Dean was at Sam's side in a blink of an eye and Sam was sure Dean had picked up some super powers because since when did someone move that fast? Or maybe Sam's mind couldn't keep up with anything that was happening around him. God he just didn't know.

"Don't be sorry" Sam mumbled. Dean had said sorry enough, they both had. "I'm fine" he rubbed his eyes and stretched his back. "What can I do for you?"

"Thought you might like to get out?" he asked with a smile that made Sam forget everything. For the moment at least.

"Yeah ok" Sam closed his book and tucked it under his pillow.

"You keeping somethin from me?" Dean asked eyeing the pillow.

"It's just my journal" colour rose to Sam's cheek's, he came the punch line.

"Well that's good," he said and there was no joke and there was no crack of a smile just three words and it made Sam miss the old Dean.

"No joke?" Sam asked without realising.

"Well Doctor Harley said it was a good idea and I'm all for it" Dean stood then kissed Sam on the forehead softly "I'll be at the car, come down when you're ready, ok."

"Ok" Sam repressed a sigh then looked away as soon as Dean had left. He closed his eyes and he tried, _he tried_ so hard to remember what it used to be like. His memory seemed damaged, like all the happier days had been scratched and broken and all he saw were fleeting moments of the old Dean, of the old Sam. They were both so different now, both so damaged. Nothing like the people from his broken memories, for a fact they might as well have been strangers.

Dean had been a joker, always pulling of some ridiculous cocky smile, chasing women and never ever doing chick flick moments and never would he cry. But now he did, he cried for Sam, he cried in anger and in anguish and there were no more jokes or cocky smiles, just tears and pain. Pain that did not leave. He was not the person he once was but Sam was not either. He was once confident, he was once free of the fear that would freeze him and leave him calling, _crying_, for Dean. He would have never fallen, he would have never crumbled.

They were strong and they saw the world in black and white. Monsters and people, but now they saw monsters everywhere. In everyone and everything. They were broken, beautifully and heavily broken. But maybe, _maybe_ they weren't so broken; maybe, just maybe they were just different. Perhaps they were just two new people; the past should be forgotten because there was no going back to who they were. Not after everything they had been through. But maybe different wasn't so bad, maybe it was… ok. It might be ok to be different and ok to be someone else. They were not who they used to be, because if they were then they wouldn't be here and they wouldn't have claimed themselves as lovers.

So different was ok, because different meant Sam and Dean, as a couple and Sam liked it like this. It was sure screwed to hell and wrong, it was so wrong, but it was _so_ right. So yeah different was ok, it was just fine. Because as long as Sam had Dean by his side, he would not need to be the person he once was, he just needed to be with Dean.

Yeah different, _different _was good.

**SNSNSNSN **

Dean waited anxiously near the car, staring up at the window that belonged to his and Sam's room. He tapped his fingers repeatedly on the car door and glanced back at the door then back to the window. Why wasn't Sam coming down? Was he ok? Did he not want to come out? Dean took a deep breath and scolded himself; he had to stop worrying so God damn much. It had been six months since he had found Sam beaten and broken at the mercy of Cole Collins. It had been two months since he lost the child of the man who had tortured and raped him and they still had no fucking idea how Sam was even pregnant in the first place.

They had done test after test until Sam broke and said he couldn't handle it anymore and that he didn't care how it happened. He just wanted to move on and forget. After that they didn't return to the hospital and Sam wouldn't leave the house and Sam and Dean's already fragile relationship become even more fragile. Sam grew distant and Dean grew insane. He had, for one moment, a relationship with Sam and things had looked, _seemed_ like they were getting better. But Sam was so withdrawn and Dean wandered if Sam would ever want to be touched again?

But with time he came out of his shell and slowly, ever so slowly, Sam and Dean's relationship got better. Sam would greet him in the mornings with a kiss and he was allowed to touch anywhere above the belt. After the last incident Dean would never let his mind wander, he had to be careful; he had to treat Sam like glass, because in any moment he could break. Yet still things got better and Dean didn't, he _wouldn't _dare to think, that it would go bad again. This was it; they were on their way to finding happiness. They would find it.

It was just going to take time.

Though Dean had never liked time and he hated it more these days. First it wouldn't let him go back and undo what was done then, _then_ it went so freaking slow. Why couldn't it just skip all of this and move on to the better days, the days were they would not cry and there would be no anguished screams to wake to. Why didn't it just let Dean go back and fix this? Make it so it never happened. Make it so Sam was ok. But time was a bitch and it did know of the things Dean wanted but it would not grant them. Instead he had to sit and watch every second tick by and hope that the next second would not bring back the darkness.

Every second made Dean's heart race, every day would bring happiness or misery and Dean was scared to close his eyes and sleep in case tomorrow was hell. But time seemed to prove Dean wrong, Sam was getting better, _they_ were getting better. But anything could destroy all of that and time would not tell Dean what was around the next corner. And for that he hated it so much more.

"So where are we going?"

Dean jumped in surprise then turned to face Sam who had appeared beside him and was smiling. Dean resited the urge to frown at Sam, since Sam was clearly smiling at the fact he nearly gave Dean a heart attack, but it was the highlight of Dean's days to see Sam smile. So he smiled back and for a fleeting moment time gave Dean what he wanted.

"So where are we going?" the smile faded and Sam crossed his arms over his chest and tried to make himself look invisible. Dean bit his tongue to force back a laugh. Sam was too beautiful not to be noticed but he was so fragile he might just be missed.

"Shopping."

"Will it be busy?" Sam uncrossed his arms and stuffed his hands into his grey oversized hoodie, which was most likely covering up the many shirts he wore underneath.

"I don't think so" _I hope not._

"Well ok" Sam bowed his head, hunched his shoulders and let his bangs fall into his eyes and he looked more like a lost child then a grown man.

"We'll be quick" Dean said, "You can choose what we have for dinner." _Give Sam some power_ he told himself, _right because choosing dinner will really make him feel better _Dean chided himself. _Just give him choices Dean, give him contro_l Dean quoted Doctor Harley in his head r_ight, because letting him choose dinner is so much control._

"Dean are you ok?" Sam asked, eyeing Dean like he was mentally unstable but hey, he might as well be.

Dean snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Sam "Yeah… why?"

"Just looked like you were arguing with yourself, is all."

"Oh I'm fine" Dean lied _he so has mind reading powers._

Sam sighed then shifted his weight "Ok so are we going?"

"Yeah… we're going."

**SNSNSNSN**

The shops were busy and Dean mental kicked himself for making Sam come. He had to take it step by step or so Doctor Harley had said and Dean hated shrinks and he'd much rather not listen but Sam needed this. He needed to take it one step at a time and for Sam, Dean would die so if he had to watch Sam take it step by step then that is what he would do.

So he walk beside Sam and he kept glancing ahead then back to his lost brother who had his head bowed and hands stuffed into his pockets. He seemed to be only an inch away from Dean and on occasion they bumped into each other and they were getting nowhere. Sam was scared and Dean was clueless as what to do. So he did the only thing that worked with Sam as a kid, he gently took his wrist and pulled his hand out of pocket and their fingers entwined and Sam looked up and he didn't look back down.

Dean felt pride in knowing that this tactic still worked, it always worked when he was young and he should have thought of it before. But better late then never, right? Dean felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips and he felt some of the darkness lift, it felt like someone had removed a heavy bag from his back and opened a curtain to let the light spill in. The weight was lifting and the darkness was leaving. Everything seemed to be ok… but for how long? No, he would not think of it. No more bad news, no more dark days, no more pain, he was waving the white flag and he hoped someone saw it because he couldn't handle any more pain. So he was surrendering and someone better see his damn flag.

"Can we have chicken tandoori for dinner?"

"A who with the what?" Dean asked with a clueless expression on his face.

Sam stopped and looked at his brother, his hand never leaving Dean's "it's chicken cooked in tandoori paste with salad."

"Yeah sure" Dean smiled and gave a nod "Sounds good."

"Hey Dean if you-"

"-It sounds great Sam" Dean smiled and he was so not like himself anymore "I'll grab some chips to have with mine."

"Good idea" Sam squeezed Dean's hand and Dean smiled then they started walking again, returning to their own thoughts.

**SNSNSNSN**

The warm breeze greeted Dean as he left the shops and the midday sun beamed down on him. He took in the fresh air then headed to the Impala, Sam following. They reached the car and Dean loaded the trunk with the groceries while Sam climbed into the front seat. Dean shut the boot then made his way to the drivers seat. He slid in behind the wheel and the engine roared to life and he beamed at the purr she made. He turned to Sam, who was once again looking down at his feet; shoulders hunched and bangs hiding his beautiful eyes.

"Are you ok?"

Sam turned his face away from Dean, to hide the tears, _the shame_. "I'm fine."

"Sam" Dean spoke Sam's name in a tone that said 'I know something is wrong, so tell me'.

"People look" Sam said but he didn't look up "They look at me and I can see… I know they are ashamed of me."

"Sam c'mon, they wouldn't even know" that was a stupid reply but words escaped him.

Sam looked up now, his eyes glistening with the familiar tears "Dean, what do you see when you look at me? Cause I know what I see and I'm sure as hell everyone else can see it to!" Sam shouted, his voice cracking slightly from the abuse.

"So what do you see Sam?" Dean asked harshly, anger etched on his face.

"I see…" Sam shouted the first words but his voices dies and he looks away.

Dean sighed heavily and he mental kicked himself, for the millions time, for being impatient with Sam. "Sam… please" no anger was visible on his face now, no harshness to his voice, just soft and understanding. "Tell me what you see."

"I see" Sam didn't look back, but his voice rose in volume "a useless person who has let someone use and abuse them and I see… I see a burden and a worthless soul."

"Sam" Dean scooted over to his brother, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into his loving, safe embrace "you are not useless, you are not a burden and you most definitely are not a worthless soul" he kissed Sam's head softly "and when I look at you, I see someone who is brave and strong and someone who is useful and has a good soul and" Sam was looking up now and Dean's eyes were piercing Sam's "and I see someone who I love with all my heart and soul and someone I could never live without."

Sam stared at Dean with an unreadable expression and he spoke no words. He jus gazed into Dean's eyes, a longingly look became clear in both sets of eyes and they spoke no words. But their lips touched and they kissed, they kissed like they had never kissed before and the pain, the misery and the guilt was all swept away. They were lost in the kiss, lost in each other and lost in the one moment that was pain free. Their lips moved together, their tongues brushed over the others but there was no fight for domination, this was not a lustful kiss. This was a kiss of pure love and love alone.

This was the kiss that belonged to a new beginning.

**SNSNSNSN**

**'Hush, hush' is what he would say and the words I was going to speak would become lodged in my throat, tears would blind me and fear would leave me frozen. 'Hush hush Sammy, it won't hurt.' Famous last words, _famous lies_. It did hurt, it always hurt, I can remember it so clear, it is forever etched into my mind and I can never get it out and I can never escape it. I can hear his voice as clear as a bell in my dreams, _my nightmares_. I can feel his rough, cold skin move against mine and his breath mingles with my sweat, blood and tears. It never ends; never stops and I can't ever escape. I sleep but he is there, mixed with the dreams that take me away from the pain my waking life delivers me.**

**Then I open my eyes and I find myself no longer in the basement but in a hospital room and Dean is there and I don't believe it, I am dreaming, I must be. I hear Dean speak and he tells me I am safe and I feel his soft touch and his breath does not mingle with sweat or blood but the tears are there. I feel Dean's thumb brush ever so softly over my skin and the tears are swept away and I feel it, I feel safety. I am safe.**

"Sam."

Sam looked up to see Dean and he smiled softly "Hey, what's up?"

"Came to say dinner's nearly ready annnd" he stretched the word as he walked to Sam and sat down beside him, pulling him into his strong arms "I came to say I love you" he kissed Sam's lips softly "and that I love you" another kiss "did I mention I came to say I love you?"

"I do believe you did" Sam smiled back then pressed his lips to Dean's in a quick kiss "and I love you."

Dean gave Sam a cocky smile, not the cocky smile that Sam longed to see but at least it was a start "Well I was going to" Dean stopped midway, his lips slamming shut and a look of shame in his eyes.

"Dean?" Sam asked, concern in his eyes "What is it?"

"Nothing" he quickly rose to his feet "I'm gonna shower before tea, ok, won't be long" he turned so quickly he felt the room spin but he forced it away and made his feet carry him forwards.

"Dean, wait" Sam grabbed his wrist and forced Dean to face him "what were you going to say?"

Dean sighed, "I was going to ask…" he didn't say anymore.

"Ask what Dean?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to join me" he looked away, too afraid to see Sam's reaction _stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Sam swallowed hard "Ok."

Dean looked back at Sam; he didn't just ok, did he? "What?" was the only word that found him.

"Ok" Sam said louder this time "I will."

Dean shook his head, ok now he was sure Sam just said he would and this was good, really good but he just didn't believe it. "Are you sure?" he found himself asking.

"Yeah… I'm sure" Sam smiled reassuringly "But no… no…"

"Sex?"

"Yeah" Sam said with a shrug "That."

Dean raised his hands in a defensive position "I will keep my hands to myself."

Sam's smile widened "Just no below the belt."

"But you won't be wearing be a belt" Dean quipped and it was a sign, a hint of the old Dean.

"You know what I mean," Sam said rolling his eyes and feeling a little more like the way he used too. Just a little.

"I know Sam" Dean said softly "now c'mon haven't got all night."

**SNSNSNSN**

The water was warm against Sam's skin; he loved the feel of it. It seemed to make everything a little better, it washed away the dirt and the pain but it only for now. He remembered the first time he was raped by Cole, he showered so much that his skin would crack and dry and he scrubbed at his skin, he scrubbed so hard, trying to ride himself of the dirt that just didn't go. No matter how much he showered or scrubbed he could never really be clean, he was forever dirty. It wasn't like dirt you could actually see, though. Sam thought, _swore_, people could see it, could see how dirty he really was. But while the boiling, scorching, water ran over his body he felt clean.

He took long showers, enjoying, if he could use that word anymore, the feeling of cleanliness. For the time. But then the water went cold and the heat no longer washed away the dirt and he felt like the way he did before. Dirty, used, useless. He hated it, why did the hot water have to run out? It made him clean (feel clean.) Maybe he should just try burning his skin off, burning away the scars and the memories and just starting again. But even if he were to shed his skin it wouldn't change a thing, inside he was still a list of things.

But as Dean gentle lathered his skin with soap he felt… he felt truly clean. As Dean's arms enclosed him in an embrace, he realised he was crying. Not in pain but, _but_ in relief, the dirt, it wasn't so thick now, he was almost clean. Almost untouched by the memory of Cole. It wasn't like Dean's touch was erasing his memory but he no longer felt Cole's hands roam his body, he no longer felt his breath on his neck. All he felt was Dean's soft touch and sweet breath that mingled with his tears.

This was how he would forget. Not by blocking it out but by letting Dean take it all away. With a kiss, a touch, the pain would ease, never really go, but ease. As his lips touched Dean's he felt the darkness lift, slowly, _ever so slowly_, creeping backwards and allowing the sun to shine. All he needed was Dean's touch, kiss and love and he'd escape the darkness.

All he needed was Dean and he'd come out strong.


	12. Chapter 11 Unbreakable

**Chapter eleven: Unbreakable**

Sam stares at the calendar and he is surprised to find that it has been eight months since Dean rescued him from Cole. Eight long, pain filled, heartbreaking, life changing months. He can't help but smile slightly, he can't help but be proud of himself for coming so far when he thought that he wouldn't be able to escape the darkness. He'd done it before and then he didn't think he could but what happened eight months ago was nothing like what happened last year. Maybe it had something to do with the fact he had been awake through it; he was awake to see the monster who enjoyed torturing him. He was awake to hear him moan in pleasure while he cried in pain and begged, _begged _for it to end, for Dean to come, for death.

A person can stand so much pain, but when it never ends you find yourself begging, _pleading_, hoping and praying for death. But it never comes and you keep screaming, _crying_ for it to end but it doesn't and since death won't come you hope Dean will come. You hope and you pray, you pray so fucking hard, that he will come and it will all go away. But he doesn't come and you find yourself begging for death again.

It doesn't come.

But he does.

And here you stand, eight months later, in your new house and you don't feel the pain anymore and you don't feel the fear as much, then again you have been full of fear for so long you don't really remember what it feels like not to be stricken by it. Never the less you know you have come a long way and the darkness isn't there anymore and the nightmares are less frequent but it doesn't matter as much because you know you have Dean to wake to. You have your new life to wake to.

There were no more demons these days, no more supernatural and no more hunting. It was too hard to go back now, he, _they_, couldn't see the difference between good and evil anymore. Once it was simple, demons were bad and people were just people, but after Cole, people were just as capable of being the demons. But that didn't matter now, because they didn't live that life anymore, they had left it behind. The sad part was that they had left part of themselves behind as well.

They were so different now, but different was ok, different was good, because though they had changed (a lot) they were actually happier then they had ever been. Which seemed fucked up, since you're not meant to be happy after being raped and brutally tortured but hey, they won't complaining. They were… well they were as close to normal as they had ever been and they had been pretty freaking far from normal. But now they were normal, well as close to normal as two brothers in love with a very, _very_ disturbing and haunting past could be.

But what did it matter? Who cared that they won't completely normal? Besides after all they had seen and been through, normal might as well not exist. Not that Sam cared or Dean for that fact, all they cared about was that things were getting better and life wasn't so bad anymore. Life, in some strange way, was good, still filled with memories of their darkest days, but better. Brighter.

Sam sighed heavily then turned away from the calendar and headed towards the kitchen table, where his coffee stood, steam no longer visible. He pulled out the chair and sat down, sighing once more. He wasn't used to the new apartment yet, he still looked around the room, making sure, always, making sure he was safe. As he examined the room, he found himself to be alone, well expect for Tristan who was sitting on a rug in front of the back door. He smiled at the dog, who wagged his tail and barked.

"Hey, shhh" Sam said in a whisper "Dean's asleep."

"Nope" came Dean's groggy voice, "Dean's awake."

Sam turned to see Dean standing in the archway that led to the lounge room "Morning sunshine" Sam quipped as he took in Dean's bloodshot eyes and dark circles.

"No" he flopped down onto a chair "No, no sunshine" he propped his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand "I drank too much."

"I know" Sam said with a hint of a smile "I'll get you some coffee."

"You're the best babe" Dean said yawning, "I am never drinking again."

"Right" Sam placed a coffee down before him "So how was it?"

"Bobby sure knows how to throw a birthday party" Dean said grinning "Wish you stayed longer though."

Sam sat down; eyes downcast "Sorry Dean… still not good in crowds."

Dean took Sam's hand, squeezing it softly "It's fine" Sam looked up now, a trace of a smile on his face "I had a great day and I love what you gave me."

Sam smiled brightly "I'm glad."

Dean smiled back then took a deep drink of his coffee "What's better then a one of a kind Led Zeppelin t-shirt."

"I don't know" Sam was looking at the table again "sex."

Dean nearly choked on his coffee, he sputtered and coughed loudly "Sam!?"

"What?" Sam asked innocently "When was the last time you had sex Dean?"

"A long, long time ago" Dean said and they were so different, because Dean, the old Dean, wouldn't say he hadn't had sex in a long time, hell he wouldn't need to say it because it would not be true.

"Really?" Sam exclaimed.

"Really" Dean said, and there was no smile or cocky grin on his face to say he was joking, "I couldn't."

"Couldn't?" Sam repeated "why not?"

Dean sighed, he once would have told Sam to forget it but these days they talked about their feelings and Dean couldn't not talk about it because he was different now. "It felt wrong" he looked away "I just couldn't… I couldn't" he trailed off, leaving Sam with no real answer.

"Why Dean?" Sam pleaded.

Dean looked up now, "I thought of you… and I couldn't" he lifted his coffee to his lips and took drink before continuing, "I know you were the one who Cole hurt but I couldn't bring myself to… I didn't deserve to have sex while you were forced too. And I know that I have no clue as to how you feel but I couldn't do it. I hated that I would enjoy it when it brought you so much pain."

Sam stared at Dean, his mouth hanging open ajar; he didn't know what to say. He never thought that Dean would be affected so much, affected so goddamn much that he gave up sex all together. "Thank you" were the only words that lifted the silence and Dean looked up and smiled and Sam knew thank you was all that needed to be said.

**SNSNSNSN**

It's a week after Dean's twenty-eighth birthday and Sam knew, he knew he was ready. He watched Dean through the window, he was reading the morning paper on the front porch and it was a little too normal even in their near close to normal lives. But Sam wasn't thinking about how much they had changed, no, he was thinking about the dream he had five nights ago. He'd once again found himself in the dark basement where Cole had abused him. It all started the same, him screaming, _begging_, crying for Dean to come but his screams went unheard and Cole didn't stop tearing him apart from the inside. Then, _then _everything changed and he was not crying and Cole was not there, no, Dean was and Dean did not tear him apart from the inside but he did make love to him.

The dark basement had changed into their bright sunny bedroom and the pain, the fear and the shame was all washed away. He didn't feel Cole tearing him up; instead he felt Dean, his touch, his kisses, each thrust healing. Then he whispered 'I love you Sammy' and his voice was full of love, true love and Cole's voice seemed to fade from Sam's mind. When he woke, he found himself alone, Dean clearly still at his birthday party, but it gave Sam time to think and now, five days later, he knew he was ready.

Ready to forget Cole's voice, touch and kisses. He was ready to feel Dean inside of him, he was ready to hear Dean whisper Sammy to him and with this, Cole's voice would die. All he needed to be free of his haunting past was this, it wouldn't fix everything, the memories would never die but the feel of Cole in him, around him, would go. He just needed this.

He opened the door and stepped onto the wooden porch. He looked at Dean through the corner of his eye and saw him looking back at him; only Dean was watching Sam from both eyes. Before Sam turned to face Dean he let his eyes wander around, taking in the other house's that filled the col de sac, it was a peaceful place here, all the house looked like the belonged in fairy tales rather then the harsh world but Sam felt safe here. He felt at home for the first time ever.

"Sam?"

Sam snapped out of his thoughts and turned to look at Dean, who was staring at him with concern, something that never would die. Sam sighed then walked towards Dean, sitting down beside him. He offered Dean a half hearted smile, which he returned then took his hand and entwined their fingers together. Sam hesitated before speaking, trying to find the right words but sometimes it was impossible to find the right ones, especially lately, but hey everything had been a little hard lately, but it was getting better.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently, _so gently_.

"I… I'm ready" he spat out, not bothering with details.

"For what?" Dean asked and he actually sounded like his old self, for that second.

"Sex," Sam said with confidence

"Sex?" Dean repeated with a raised eyebrow and an, 'I think you've gone crazy' look.

"Dean, I'm ready" Sam said again "I know I am."

"Sam" Dean sighed then brought Sam's hand to his lips "It's going to take time-"

"Dean!" Sam snapped "Please."

"Sam this is a big step" Dean said and he sounded like the old protective big brother but he wasn't just that anymore, he was Sam's partner.

"Dean I had a dream."

"A dream?" Dean asked and if he just said 'was it clowns or midgets' he might just be himself again.

"I was… in the basement_" be strong Sam_ he order himself _damnit be strong_. "And Cole was…" Dean didn't really need to hear this part; it hurt him as much as it did Sam to hear of the rapes. Luckily Sam didn't need words because Dean guessed and told him to go on "then Cole turned into you and… _and_ everything was ok… it was better!"

"Better? Like how?"

Sam inhaled deeply then exhaled "I can't explain it but I… I know longer felt his presence, I felt free, when you… made love to me."

"So you're saying if you and I have sex you'll be better?" Dean had hope in eyes, like he expected this to be the cure to everything.

"Well sorta" Sam said shrugging "it… it might help me not feel him."

"Feel him?" Dean asked and God damnit he should of known what Sam meant.

"Inside me" Sam didn't look away, instead he kept his eyes locked with Dean's.

"Sam" Dean sighed again, a deep tired sigh "I don't want to ruin anything."

"Dean it won't" Sam assured and God damnit he knew it wouldn't "It will make it better, I'm sure."

Dean looked away, staring at anything but Sam while his mind went over a million things and then finally he looked back "If we do this you know it won't be easy right babe?"

"I know" Sam said with a nod.

"It might even hurt a little."

Sam sucked in a deep breath; pain was something he didn't want to feel anymore whether it be physical or mental but sometimes pain led to better things. "I can handle it."

"Ok then" Dean kissed Sam's hand again, his stomach was twisting into knots but if Sam said he was ready then maybe he was "Tonight."

Sam nodded "Tonight, sounds good."

Dean smiled at Sam then pressed his lips gently to Sam's then whispered, "I love you Sam."

"Sammy" Sam said pulling back "You can say it."

Dean gave Sam a concerned look, this was a little too much, first he wanted sex now he wanted to be called Sammy again, was he ready for any of this? God, next thing he would be asking to hunt again. "Are you ok?"

"Dean I'm fine" he said with a small laugh "please, Dean, believe me when I say I am fine."

"Ok" Dean said forcing on a smile, to mask his concern "Sammy."

**SNSNSNSN**

By the time night came, Dean had chewed his fingernails to the quicks and he was sure his lip had a hole in it to because his nails were too short and he really, _really _needed something to chew on. Scratch that, he needed someone to knock some sense into Sam. He said he was ready, but was he really ready? It seemed out of the blue to Dean, like he might as well have said it at the breakfast table between pass me the milk or maybe it was just Dean panicking. Though he was sure he skipped panic and went straight to paranoid and he was pretty sure the next step was to either go insane or have a heart attack.

He was at the end of his wit and he couldn't do this, he was so freaking scared. He was scared, _afraid_, of hurting Sam and screwing everything up and then they'd be back to the way they were. Lost and broken. He was not willing to go back to that. He couldn't, not now, _not now_. But Sam had sounded so ready, sounded so sure and Dean wanted, God he wanted for Sam to be ready, but he couldn't, wouldn't put the last eight months in jeopardy. But were they really in jeopardy or was Dean just having a melt down?

God he didn't fucking know. He could just take a risk and have sex with Sam but it could ruin everything or maybe, God maybe it might actually make everything better. Damnit he didn't fucking know. He just wanted to know, couldn't he have some way of knowing or maybe he did? He made a hasty dash to the phone, picking it up and dialling the number.

'Dean Winchester I am not a psychic hot-line" came Missouri's voice "But I am here to help anyway I can hun."

"What do I do?" he asked in a whispered tone.

'Don't worry for one,' she said and she sounded so calm, how could she be so freaking calm 'he is ready.'

"He is?" Dean asked, half surprised, half relieved. "It's so sudden though."

'To you, yes' she said 'but Sam has thought about this for a week Dean and he knows he's ready and maybe… well maybe it is you who is not ready.'

"What?" he asked baffled "I'm ready" _am I?_

'Maybe you should think about that some more hun' she said and he could hear her smile, yeah, real freaking amusing the day Dean Winchester doesn't know if he's ready for sex. 'Anyway there will be no sex tonight. Oh Sam's coming hun, call me more often, ok.' with that the line went dead and Dean quickly put the phone back down then spun to face Sam.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Um" lies would do no good "Missouri."

"Why?" Sam asked, hurt in eyes and anger in his tone.

"Because I am scared that this will fuck things up" no lies, _no lies_ "I thought you might be rushing this cause you felt bad or something but there is no need to rush because I am fine with waitin and I… I might not be ready."

Sam no longer looked mad, no he was to busy laughing to be angry and it wasn't really that funny but these days it was laugh or cry, and enough tears had been shed. "Are you serious?" he asked.

"Not funny Sam" Dean scowled but it didn't last long because Sam was laughing, laughing like he meant it and it made Dean laugh too. Because like he just thought, it was laugh or cry.

Missouri was right, there was no sex that night but there was laughter, which they needed more then anything.

**SNSNSNSN**

The next morning the sun was shining brightly through the gap in the curtains, the beam of light lifted the darkness just enough for Sam to wake. He snuggled closer to Dean; the sheet was the only thing hiding their naked bodies from the cool air. Sam smiled as he remembered last night, well earlier this morning actually. Sam had been sleeping when Dean woke him up and he didn't say a word, just started kissing him but that's all Sam needed. With the sweet, passionate kisses he knew Dean was ready and so was he. As they made love Sam felt the memory of Cole fade, he knew it would never ever be fully gone but with Dean's touch it eased.

Sam opened his eyes and stared at Dean's sleeping figure, he looked so beautiful in the morning light. He looked so beautiful as he stared down at him while he worked his magic, and that's what it felt like. _Magic_. It felt so good and so right. It made him forget what it felt like to have Cole inside of him and now all he felt was Dean. And that was all he ever really needed, to feel Dean, to have Dean erase the pain with his touch and not just his words.

Sam stroked Dean's cheek with his fingers, brushing his lips lightly over Dean's, just long enough to wake Dean. He stared up at Sam with bright green eyes and an even brighter smile. Sam felt Dean run his fingers up the back of his neck then gently push his neck down, so their lips could meet in a passionate kiss. They kissed until their lungs were screaming for air and they wished they didn't have to breathe so they could kiss forever, but Dean had question to ask.

"Sam" he lazily ran his fingers through Sam's unruly hair "a few months ago you were writing a journal… I just wanted to know what happened to it?"

"Gone" he replied, "I wrote down the hardest parts of the last two years and once I was done I… I dropped it into the stream by 'our sport" he said referring to the secret place at Bobby's.

"How come you never told me?"

"It was something I had to do on my own" he sighed, lying back down and cuddling up to Dean "it's hard to explain but-"

"-I understand," he said pressing a soft kiss to Sam's lips "and I am so proud of you Sam, you've come so far."

Sam smiled "I love you so much Dean" Sam said and in those words he said so much more.

"I love you too Sammy" he said hugging him back and showing him that he was safe and he was loved.

As Sam and Dean lay in each other's arms they both knew that it didn't matter what the world threw at them, because as long as they had each other they were unbreakable.

**The End**

**I'd like to thank everyone who read and reviewed this story, you made my day with your reviews and I love to know you have liked or loved it. It's been a tough story to write but with your inspiring comments I've managed to keep going and not give up. Thanks so much guys and I hope you enjoyed this last chapter and for one last time I love to know what you think :)**

**Oh! I will have a new story posted soon, called Our Secret Lullaby so keep an eye out my lovely readers :)**


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